November 2011
61 posts
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The Ders Report, Signing Off...For Now
At the end of all the trash talk, the sabotage and the sex fueled debauchery, the score stands at Ders - 0, Adam - 0. A tie, a pathetic, celibate tie. In the words of Adam DeMamp, “We were going to give each other control of the other’s tumblr for 3 weeks, but that seemed pointless. Blake correctly pointed out, the only right way to end this bet is for both of us to abandon our tumblr’s....
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A "Sad Ending" Massage
Pretty sad day for old Anders Holmvik. I decided to get a massage (after a bunch of urging by Adam). I don’t normally like massages because I don’t like strangers touching my body in a semi - intimate way, but in the back of my mind I sort of figured that this might be an “intimate” massage (being that we’re at a sex resort and everything).
The massage started out...
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MISSING BLACK FRIDAY
One thing I’m going to miss by going on my private Thanksgiving vacation is ripping & tearing it up on Black Friday. It’s the time to get the best deals, and better yet, MAKE the best deals.
I like to sprint inside a store, find the best deal, then hike the price up 25% in the parking lot and say I bought 2, but now “my friend” doesn’t need theirs—...
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Lady Prospects
Dear Dipshit (Adam),
Got myself three main prospects to get on the scoreboard of our Gentleman’s Competition while here on our vacation. How many you have? I know you struck out with the maid today, and really, Dipshit? The maid? Things must be pretty dry if you’re trolling the Strange River already…
In case you forgot how to pick up non-maid women, here are my prospects:
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A Certain Wager
I don’t normally partake in bets where women are involved, (it’s pretty scummy and weird) but I decided to take part in this one with Adam because it meant that I’d get to take over his Tumblr (Camp DeMamp) for a few weeks, and that was just too sweet to pass up.
I’d definitely do a TON of posts about current events, books and politics because nobody ever reads those and...
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TSA Airport Pat-down
Just went through security at the airport and got the standard TSA pat-down. A lot of people are complaining that these are intrusive and unnecessary, but I support them 100%. As long as the brave men an women of the Transportation Security Administration are keeping our skies safe then they have the right to occasionally touch a boob or brush against a guy’s junk.
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A Stern Message To All Potential Intruders:
Attention assholes,
I might be on vacation, but I had the foresight to hire a house sitter so don’t get any ideas about breaking into my house because if you do then you’ll be met by the swift fury and unharnessed rage of Gil (Naomi’s ex). Ya, I went down to BevMo and offered him $30 bucks to look after our house and water our plants, etc. So don’t get any ideas.
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"Evergreen" Forrest - Posts For Vacation
The Ders Report is going dark… for a bit.
See, I’ve written a couple holiday-themed posts to cover the travel time and general Thanksgiving celebration duration, and post-dated them to post at appropriate times. I’ll probably be too busy enjoying myself to give you minute updates on the minutia of my TSA experiences.
Today’s all about getting packed, racked, and ready...
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Pack List (pay no attention)
Putting this on here since I don’t have a notepad handy and need to get my pack list together for my Thanksgiving trip (location TBD). Pay no attention, this is just for me and I hate to e-mail myself after that “Select All” self-affirmation mishap.
Thanks for respecting my privacy.
DERS PACK LIST - Thanksgiving Trip, 2011 (Confidential Location)
Travel Itinerary
Passport,...
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A Change of Heart
I never thought I’d say/write this, but after a third viewing I’ve decided that I now LIKE the film Purple Rain. I guess I was just in a weird head space when I watched it those other times. This time I was able to see it for what it was, appreciate the craziness and just have a good time. Thanks, Prince (pictured below).
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Not Gonna Half - Ass It At Work Over The Holidays
A lot of people (Waymond, Homegirl) don’t work very hard (or at all) during the holidays. They think that just because it’s relatively close to Christmas Alice will look the other way at/ignore their atrocious work ethic. Like I do every holiday season, I’m going to work extra hard. Not only so I can afford to buy good Christmas presents, but also to show Alice that Anders Holm...
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Ders' Thoughts: Junk Mail
I hate junk mail. At least once a week I come home to a mailbox full of coupons for a bunch of stupid crap that I’ll never buy. Does anyone ever use these goddamn coupons? I guarantee most people take them and throw them in the trash (not the recycling). What these junk mail companies are doing is wasting paper, wasting my time and wasting the resources of our almost bankrupt US Postal...
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Hanging 'Em Up
I just don’t know anymore.
1-3 against the spread? Not even the WORLD CHAMP Green Bay Packers cover the spread against the hapless Bucs? Eli Manning is driving to tie the game against the hapless Eagles, and GIVES the ball away???
Don’t even get me started on Tebow beating the Jets. Adam’s started to worry that this Tebow thing is going to haunt him, and is waiting for...
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Dazed And Confused
Gonna re - watch Dazed and Confused tonight. We were talking about it at work today and figuring out who each of us would be in the movie. Adam picked McConaughey, Blake picked the girl with red hair and I picked the black guy (Melvin). Adam and Blake told me that I was definitely Affleck (which is ridiculous). Either way, I’m really psyched to watch it and prove to them that I’m more...
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Something about a 'Vo
Earlier this week, I spoke of a racist incident involving myself and another individual while I had the ‘Vo conservatively stopped at an intersection.
(UPDATE: For completists, the guy was white, but I didn’t think that merited discussion; as for his ethnic background, he was very clearly Irish, and Adam’s “Wide Bitch” theory gains more steam every time I think...
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Ders' Picks - Week 11 (swag)
I’m back. 3-1 in Week 10? Get at me.
Going to keep the free-flowing, fast-talking style that brought my swag back, no big intro, no big proclamation. Just winning NFL football picks from the name you can trust.
(HOME TEAM IN CAPS/My swag picks in bold)
Start tonight, why not? After taking Tebow last week just to piss off Adam, I’m going AGAINST Tebow this week just to show...
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Cathy's Engaged
Cathy, my co-worker who hit on me the other day is now engaged. Seems pretty suspicious that her fiance popped the question right after our little incident. I bet she told him about it and he got really worried and figured he had to lock her down before she hit on me again or possibly made out with me. I think she’s rushing into this and she obviously has feelings for me, but there’s...
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Bought My Own Sponge
Really sick of the guys being such disgusting slobs. More specifically, I’m sick of them never replacing the paper towels, the dish soap and worst of all never buying new sponges. That’s why I took matters into my own hands and bought myself a sponge of my own. This sponge will be for my use only and I’ll keep it in a plastic bag in my closet so neither Blake nor Adam can use it...
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Accidentally Bought A Woman's Sweater
Swung by Dillard’s to browse some of the sale items and picked up what I thought was a pretty awesome sweater. Turns out it’s not for men. I just figured Preston & York was some new brand that I hadn’t heard of. Not sure why the clerk didn’t alert me to this when I was paying for it or why it was mixed in with the men’s clothes. Now I’m stuck with it since...
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Hey, Sorry
Maybe that last post was too harsh.
I’m just, under a lot of stress lately, sales aren’t at an all time high, we have these big Thanksgiving plans… it’s lonely at the top. Only a few of you will come to learn what that truly means, but for those of you who never will… I’m sorry if I was too harsh on you for your simple mistakes.
I’ll try to come from...
ihaveafatjije asked: Given that you've stated and made clear that this is a business blog, i understand that you'll get annoyed easily when someone comes at you with a horrible proposal. But don't you think you should just ignore the random blogger instead of out smarting them and making them look stupid? I'm just saying for someone they look up to your coming off like a huge dick. Constructive...
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Flowers For The House
After the whole “getting yelled at by my dad for buying my mom flowers” incident you’d think I’d wait a while before buying more flowers. Well, that incident only served to remind me how cool and pretty flowers are. As such I decided to buy fresh flowers for our house, not only because they smell good, but also to class things up a bit and make our house look like a little...
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Ders' Picks UPDATE- WINNING!
3-1! Three. And. One.
The one loss was a real pothole of a pick, anyway, so it deserved to lose (Carolina pant kissing a shotgun against the Titans)… but the rest?
The rest just paid for my Thanksgiving excursion to CLASSIFIED. It’s not that I don’t trust you not to tell anyone, it’s that I want to make sure I’m not hounded by fans looking for who I like on the...
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Phrase To Retire: "Lady Boner"
I like to laugh as much as the next guy, but one thing I don’t find funny is the phrase “lady boner.” A real “lady” would never say that she has a “lady boner” and it’s also just a stupid thing to say. Next time just say, “Tim Riggins is so attractive. I have a crush on him.” Do NOT say, “Tim Riggins gives me a lady boner.”...
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BOO THIS MAN
Wanna go ahead and extend a big FUCK YOU to Mr. Leslie (nice girl’s name, jerk) Kalita on this Monday afternoon.
Seems Mr. Kalita thinks he’s the busiest man in the world; he not only doesn’t have time for the great deal I was offering, but he didn’t have the courtesy to A) Answer my inquiry of when a good time to call would be, B) Treat me with the respect a person...
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Race Card
I try to treat people as I, myself, would like to be treated.
That’s why what happened to me this morning was so disturbing, and I’m still a little shaken. I was a victim of racism, and I’m just lucky that myself, and my passengers (Adam & Blake), are safe. You never know what can happen when a hate crime is (nearly) committed.
The situation: I was getting ready to make...
fatalatractions asked: Can you spell for our company the proper spelling and phonetic spelling of you first and last name.
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The Flowers Were A Mistake
Just got off the phone with my dad. I thought he was calling to tell me what a nice gesture the flowers were, but instead he actually yelled at me for showing him up and making him look bad.
My dad said it was “inappropriate” and “weird” for me to just send my mom (his wife) flowers like that, being that it wasn’t her birthday or Mother’s Day. At first I got...
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Ders' Picks - Week 10
Let’s just say my bad weeks are “behind” me…
Last week’s 2-2? May have over thought my initial, hot-minded almost wins. So let’s not over think anything and go Lightning Round (home team in CAPS/picks in bold):
DALLAS COWBOYS (-5.5) shoot up the Buffalo Bills on the range.
CAROLINA PANTHERS (-2.5) rock slap the Tennessee Titans.
My “F*ck...
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Warren Beatty - My New Hero
Dick Tracy has been on TV a lot and I went on IMDB to do a little research about its star, Warren Beatty. What I found was not only informative, but really, really savage. I always thought of Beatty as that older dude who’s married to Annette Bening. What I didn’t know is that before they got married, Warren Beatty was pretty much the biggest baller in Hollywood - if not on earth.
...
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The Right Call
Bad Romance? You bet it would have been. I’m referring of course to what went down this morning. Office romances are always a bad idea and rather than let this one turn into some heartbreaking diaster I put a stop to it immediately.
Basically I told Cathy that there could never be anything between us as long as we worked under the same roof and that we needed to keep our libidos in check....
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Meet Cute
Cathy, one of my fellow phone whisperers here at TelAmeriCorp, apparently has had her eye on me for a song.
I’ve caught the glances, the smiles, the nervous anxiety anytime I ask her what big plans she has for the weekend, but chalked it up to my classically handsome features. After the moment we just had in the break room, Cathy can’t keep up the myth of her “long distance...
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NBA Lockout Update (HIP-T Update Also)
Breaking News: The NBA Lockout isn’t going anywhere, people. This coming basketball season is, however; it’s going straight into the crapper.
An ultimatum offer is on the table, expiring tomorrow, and in my expert business opinion, ultimatum’s are like assholes; everyone that gets close to one usually wishes there were other options.
William King and David Stern, seen here...
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Real Men Carry Wallets
There’s a disturbing trend on the rise. A lot of “men” out there have started carrying money clips or wrapping their money and cards in a rubber band. I don’t know when this started, but it needs to stop. Because real men carry wallets!
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Honestly.
Struck me as I was making my sandwich this morning, on my standard wheat bread; why do we even MAKE white bread anymore?
It’s been shown to have little to no nutritional value
I know it would lose a taste test to any half-decently made variety loaf
Hot button, how fat do we want our nation’s youth to get? Soppin’ up their spaghettios with a hunk of white bread isn’t...
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I Refuse To Turn The Heat On
Summer’s over and the weather’s getting cooler. This is the time of year when the guys insist on using the heater even though they know how expensive it is. Our house isn’t exactly “energy efficient” and I’m pretty sure the heater is from the 70’s.
My dad never let us use the heater when I was growing up (with good reason), and it really toughened me up...
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Not Cleaning Up The Pumpkins
After this year’s pumpkin incident, I thought it was only fair that Adam should help me clean up the mess (since he’s the one who wanted to go to the pumpkin patch and put pumpkins out, even though teenagers smash them every year).
Of course Adam was “too busy” to clean them up and told me to, “Do it myself for once” (whatever that means). Well Adam, instead of...
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OK...OK.
.500. Got there. If you bet smart, and picked the two games I won handsomely (Bengals over Titans, Packers over Chargers), you’re in the black. Mistake picks of Kansas City, and the Pittsburgh Steelers (who almost won, c’mon) were less advisable.
My bonus pick, which I didn’t publish but bet (entertainment only) myself, was the 49’ers over the Redskins; so I actually...
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Real Nice Mouth On You, M'am...
… Just want to go ahead and give a big old high hard one to Mrs. Adelstein from Toluca Lake whom I just had the ‘pleasure’ of speaking with on the phone, as a part of my job.
Do you remember the concept of jobs, Mrs. A? Home at 3:46 on a Friday, and I got the feeling you didn’t just give yourself a 3 days weekend, bitch.
To answer your questions, in order, should you...
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Blast from the Past
Talked to my ole’ pal Bunny Anderson for an hour last night. Almost had to throw on goggles from all the sparks flying through the phone waves. I hung up first, for the record:-)
She’s decided to come out for a “visit” soon, and, well, I’m not ashamed to say we had a little pact back in the day that if we were ever single, at the same time, in the same place…...
