For all my life, CASH was the only money worth a damn. You craved it, you needed it, you carried it around in your wallet like paper gold. Having a wad of cash made you feel like a big man, and spending it was the confirmation of that idea.
Now, cash is nothing more than disease-spreading filth peddled by fools and old people. At least, that’s what many small (and surprisingly, some large) businesses would have you believe. Tried paying with exact change recently? The clerk gives you looks like you’re trying to steal. The exact opposite, Miss Thing, I’m trying to PAY!
So when you say “Next time, just use your debit card…”? You might as well be saying “We don’t appreciate your business, PAYING CUSTOMER!”
I’ve always wondered what the deal was with this shot. Turns out, it’s just as weird as you’d expect. Here’s an explanation:
"The scene is taken directly from Stephen King's novel. In one of the novel's scenes set in the 1920's party, Jack is dancing with a beautiful woman. He notices that at one table, there is a young man behaving like a pet dog for the amusement of others, including a tall, bald man.
The bald man is Horace Derwent, a Howard Hughes-like figure who poured millions into restoring the Overlook Hotel in the 1920’s. (Jack has learned this by reading a mysterious scrapbook earlier in the novel.) The younger man has a romantic crush on the bisexual Derwent, and Derwent has said that ‘maybe’, if the man dresses like a nice doggy, and acts like a nice doggy, he ‘may’ be willing to sleep with him.”
Most people think there are only two types of wine; red and white. Those people are idiots. That’s like saying there’s only two types of beer - Light and Ice. Sound stupid? That’s because it is.
I recently discovered a wine that caressed my inner nose, sensually brushed my lips, and made hard Viking love to my mouth. Between you and me? Think my mouth’s pregnant. It was that good. The wine was strong, refined, all the things you want in a $12 bottle of wine you got as an impulse buy at the grocery store.
I think I spoiled it a tad by leaving it open for so long, but that’s the daze you gamble on being in when you’re mouth raped by a wine you want to have the night you conceive your children. Talking about real children with my future wife one day, just so we’re not mixing metaphors. I’ll be sure to keep the cork on tight whenever I have a bottle in the future, wouldn’t want the sweet genie flavor to escape my magical bottle.
Now you’re saying, "Ders, I want to get mouth violated by this grapey-vined liquid gold!" Well wait no further. This wine was a Zinfandel, and you can find BOTTLES of the stuff at your local trusted liquor purchasing center. Go ahead and buy 2, you won’t regret it!
Trying to maximize social media commerce while balancing strong written and oral skills in a comprehensive work environment is what I bring to the table. How do I maximize profitability while keeping abreast of emerging market trends in a network savvy blogosphere?
I remember when I was that young. The solution is simple—
You must create a business model that is strong enough to withstand emerging market trends, while maintaining maximum profitability.
Otherwise, you’re just selling lemonade out by the mailbox.
Blake and I had a meeting and we’ve decided that because of your irresponsible actions you are hereby BANNED from all current and future family TV watching endeavors. As further punishment, Blake and I are going to finish watching The OC season 1 together (without you, obviously).
Good luck finding something to do tonight and the rest of the weekend because Blake and I are going to be hanging in the living room watching whatever adventures Seth, Summer, Ryan and Marissa get into.
I hope you use all your alone time to think about what you did.
Watched two episodes of The OC last night and I am officially hooked. This show is absolutely amazing and it has inspired me to move to the OC. Judging by what I’ve seen, it is a land of intrigue, compassion and forbidden love.
I imagine that after spending some time down there a nice…
Then we got The Gamble and The Debut TONIGHT~! I wonder what’s gonna happen with Ryan and Luke getting arrested! THAT WAS NUTS!!!! I’m sure Sandy has a way to get them out…
Holmvik International Sports Management’s homebase will be located in beautiful, powerful, every-kind-of-ful Orange County. The OC, in shorthand.
It just seems to be the type of place where dreams come true, and being able to sell that to my clients is important. That’s what I’m going to do for them, so the symbolism is worth the higher rental fees. It takes money to make money, and the OC is a living bank as far as I’m concerned.
So yes, as soon as I move out of my home office (tax purposes only) and expand to an off-site HQ, I’ll start perusing the real estate listings for a 3-story power compound in the low seven-figures.
If you’re a world class athlete looking to take the next step? Hey, I’ll see you there.
We’re two episodes in and I am blown away so far. This show has everything. It deals with issues of social justice, the legal system, love, teen angst and so much more. The chemistry between Ryan and Marissa is absolutely electric. I got goosebumps during the “Model Home” episode when she and Ryan were hanging out and flirting in the model home. It’s so obvious that they are perfect for each other. Theirs is a romance I can only think will end well.
Also, I’m not sleeping on the possibility of a romance blossoming between Seth and Summer. She acts like she’s too good for him and that he’s a big dork, but I can see him winning her over at some point.
This show is pretty much my new favorite thing. It really conjures up a lot of memories of my high school years and mostly makes me think about how awesome it will be to fall in love.
People who read this who I call with ANY frequency— if ya miss my call, DON’T CALL ME RIGHT BACK! I’M LEAVING YOU A VOICEMAIL, OUTLINING WHY I CALLED YOU AT THAT TIME, IF YOU JUST WAIT 2 MINUTES YOU’LL BE ABLE TO EITHER—
A) Take the action I requested in said VM, or…
B) Call me back, READY to discuss the item I left you a VM about.
STOP. Calling me back, mid-VM leaving. I have to stop the message, see who’s calling, see it’s you, there’s that awkward “I was just leaving you a message…” interplay, it’s just not a good way to do business. And I know good business.
In order to maximize our enjoyment of The OC Season 1, I have created the following schedule by which to conduct our viewing:
Episodes to Watch:
2) The Model Home
Can only watch two with work the next day.
3) The Gamble
4) The Debut
I know we will be tempted to watch more than two episodes since it’s a Friday night, but I want us to be able to devote our full attention to the show and not get burnt out to early and spoil it for ourselves.
5) The Outsider (morning)
6) The Girlfriend (evening)
7) The Escape (evening)
8) The Rescue (morning)
9) The Heights (evening)
10) The Perfect Couple (evening)
That covers this week. I’ll see how this schedule woks out before I make the schedule for next week.
I hereby approve of the official list that was compiled at lunch. As luck would have it, most of those shows are on Netflix Instant. However, for those that are not, I suggest we go to Best Buy and pick up the DVD’s (used if possible) so that we can begin viewing immediately following a decision.
Adam, since we’re going to Best Buy, this would be the perfect time for you to buy me a new webcam (after what you did to my old one) and some blank CD’s (since you took all the ones I had on my desk). In addition, we’ll be right next to Target so you can also buy me a new thing of Old Spice Body Wash and a new tub of Cetaphil (I shudder to think what you did with the one I kept in the bathroom).
I would be more than happy to watch a TV show together, as a family. I actually, really like that idea a lot. If you guys feel as strongly as I do about this then let’s make it happen.
A few ground rules:
It just has to be a show that we can ALL agree on. I am going to go on record right now as saying that I absolutely refuse to watch anything sci - fi related. Sorry, that’s just how I feel. I definitely have a few ideas, and I will sleep on it tonight and get back to you guys with my picks.
I’m a little worried because when we’ve tried to watch movies together or read the same book it ended in tragedy. Please prove me wrong here.
Everyone’s chatting it up about some earthquake just now, but I didn’t feel NOTHING. More like the earth FELT ME. PA-POW.
The earthquake was in DC, Adam. As in, the other side of the U.S.A.— and last time I checked, I found you sleeping at the foot of my bed when we felt that aftershock in Rancho Cuc country, so don’t go puffing your chest out too far.
I was flipping through the channels yesterday and got sucked into an ep. of Dawson’s Creek that I hadn’t seen in years. Adam caught me watching it and started teasing me, but I’m honestly not embarrassed. It’s a good show. Also, he shouldn’t be so quick to judge because I know about his TV viewing habits (even though he thinks I don’t).
Some guys at the Black Bear didn’t think much of my suit and one of them “spilled” red wine all over it. I’m pretty sure he did it on purpose, but he did seem really apologetic (even though I saw him high five one of his friends right after it happened).
Not too thrilled about this. The dry cleaner said it was gonna cost at least $35. So there goes the Steve Harvey shaving kit I was going to get. Oh well.
People are talking about the University of Miami football’s latest 'issues' with inappropriate benefits being paid to players. Money, cars, strip club visits, more money, preferential treatment; allegedly these football players had it all.
A person will stand up and say "The university is making millions on the backs of these players, yet they don’t have enough money for a hamburger! We need to start paying players!"
You know what that person is forgetting? These players are already getting compensated— they’re getting a FREE EDUCATION!
I know my student loans wouldn’t mind being comped for the excellence in swimming I brought MY university. Maybe you can’t afford a hamburger now, but that degree you earn will buy you THOUSANDS of hamburgers in the future. It’s basic economics.
It’s all about “The U”? More like, "It’s all about the $!"
I’VE KILLED AGAIN! STEVIE RAY VAUGHN, I’M SORRY! WHAT CURSED FUTURE IS MY DESTINY?!!?!
The suit’s nice, I can’t deny that, but… I’d give it back if it meant you were still with us. I know I said mean things about you, like you were an STD factory, or that you shouldn’t be allowed in the house,…
Ders, you can’t blame yourself. You musn’t. You didn’t lock Stevie in that cooler in Karl’s van, destiny did.
You buy all the suits you want, Champ. We all go sometime, and maybe your curse is a gift. The angel of death is still an angel, right?
Thank you, Blake. I know you must be hurting now, too, so to take the time to worry about me… turn around, I got a hug comin’ your way.
I’VE KILLED AGAIN! STEVIE RAY VAUGHN, I’M SORRY! WHAT CURSED FUTURE IS MY DESTINY?!!?!
The suit’s nice, I can’t deny that, but… I’d give it back if it meant you were still with us. I know I said mean things about you, like you were an STD factory, or that you shouldn’t be allowed in the house, but most of that were barbs aimed at your dad, Karl. I hate him, you see, but you were an innocent. The children should never be involved.
Stevie, it’s fitting that this cursed suit I now own is a Steve Harvey brand; I now dedicate it, and all the success that wearing it will bring me, to your memory.
May you play with all the rolled up balls of socks you can handle in Armadillo Heaven.
Sooooo excited to wear my new suit to the bar tonight. Adam thinks it’s a stupid idea and that chicks are gonna think I’m weird or possibly gay, but I can barely contain my excitement and I am DEFINITELY going to be the best dressed person at The Black Bear.
I did get woken up by a phone call at 3 AM and given my history with suits, I assumed that someone had died. Turns out it was a wrong number. So, I dodged that bullet.
Been browsing the Steve Harvey collection online and I’m definitely thinking about getting a hat and possibly a bow tie. As long as nobody dies, there’s no reason not to.
Look who’s back, everyone. It’s The Ders Report’s own roving reporter!
(Consider debts PAID, Montez)
Hey y’all! MONTEZ BACK! Let’s see what’s on the mantle this week, what I want to talk about, speak on, go into detail ABOUT.
This week, you know we talkin’ about the PRESIDENTIAL STRAW POLE. Only POLE I want Michelle Bachman pullin’ on isn’t the one I VOTE with! YA HEARD?
But seriously, she should not be our NEXT President. A woman in the WHITE HOUSE? I love my Colleen, but if she were talkin’ to the King of Switzerland, and he didn’t compliment her new haircut? We’d be at war with Switzerland, y’all. King of Switzerland don’t know how to rub her feet just right, either, so we gonna be at war with Switzerland till President Colleen feels like Switzerland’s SUFFERED. Hope Switzerland likes sleepin’ on the couch and eatin’ flatbread sammies.
Also, why the straw pole in Iowa? I been a few times, it’s nice, but I think there’s only one place to hold an event of this magnitude. That’s right, LAKE PLACID, NY! Miracle on Ice, anyone? That city had TWO Olympics, it’s quaint as hell, and when you’re there you cam bobsled, cross country ski, ice skate, speed skate, target shoot, you name it, they got most of that stuff still standing. Summer’s nice too, and you can do a bunch of that stuff multi-seasonally.
So that’s all the time I got this week, but until next week? Hug your loved ones, y’all. Means a lot.
Yes, until next week, unless something happens between now and then that allows me, Anders, to eliminate any ‘contributors’ from posting. Wouldn’t that be a shame…
I appreciate your peace offering, and I accept it, but I am not going to back down that easily. While I applaud your detective work, the truth is that I actually did like the movie and I totally understood it.
Whoever wrote that New York Times review coincidentally shared all my exact opinions about the movie, so if you think about it, those thoughts were actually mine.
It’s not my fault that he’s older than me and got to see the movie right when it came out. Had I been alive in 1972, I would have written that same exact review before he did.
If you’ll remember, I am the one who origianlly had the idea to do a song called “umbrella” but Jay Z and Rihanna somehow caught wind of it and recorded it themselves. Nobody accuses them of plagiarism, even though they clearly stole the idea from me.
Here it is, folks! Drove all the way to the Hollywood Suit Outlet in the heart of Hollywood, CA to get it, but it was worth it. Was thinking of going with a Hugo Boss number, but I decided to get a suit designed by an even bigger BOSS - STEVE HARVEY!
Decided to go with a beige, three button. Simple, elegant, tasteful.
Steve Harvey is a fashion icon. I have seen “The Kings of Comedy” at least 30 times and not only is he a total riot on stage, but he cuts a pretty dashing figure.
This was by far the best $166 dollars I’ve ever spent. I honestly don’t care if anyone dies, I cannot wait to wear this.
Looks like after I get off work tonight, I’m going suit shopping. Checked my fall social calendar, and I’ve got a few events coming up where it’d be better not to just drag the same ole’ girl out for photos.
I try not to spend too much of my budget on suits, since I can get away with just a shirt and tie for work. I know, dress for the job you want, right? … it bothers me, trust me it does, but there’s a reason I don’t buy new suits that don’t relate to money or my distrust of tailors. The reason is proven, and couldn’t be more real.
Every time I buy a new suit, someone close to me dies.
Don’t believe me? Let’s go through the ranks. I’ve had three new suits in my young life.
My first suit, I was six years old and my father thought I needed something proper to wear to his company functions. No sooner than I hung that baby in my closet when I found out our neighbor, Mr. Gallagher, got hit by that snow plow. He was 94, but a young 94. Since it was my first suit, I thought it was just God’s Plan.
Second suit, I got in 2004 in preparation for summer internships father was preparing me for. Same thing, hung it in my closet and by the time I got downstairs Mom told me Grammy had left us. She was 89, and smoked like a chimney, but I had hoped she’d be there to dance with me at my wedding. Well, spin, really, because of the wheelchair, but still. A sad day.
Third suit, was actually for Grammy’s funeral, since I was told my new tan business suit wasn’t “appropriate” for my father’s mother’s resting ceremony. He was right, but you know what was wrong? That day President Ronald Reagan passed. It was my fault, my new suit. They always go in threes.
Since, I’ve worn used suits, hand me downs from family, and you know what? No one close to me has died. Not a coincidence.
Needless to say, I’ll be calling my loved ones tonight on my way to the department store. Maybe the curse has left me, it’s been a few years…
Ders' Foreign Film Review: "The Discreet Charm Of The Bourgeoisie"
Blake called me out in an earlier post for bragging about all the good movies I’ve seen, then he watched a foreign film just so he could write about it first and make himself sound smart. Sorry to say, Blake, but that post made you look like a real idiot.
It goes without saying that I have the best taste in the house when it comes to film and literature (currently reading “The Corrections”) and even though I like a great action movie as much as the next guy (in fact, probably more) I need to balance that out with an occasional art house film.
I decided to watch Luis Bunuel’s 1972 masterpiece, “The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie.” Not because of Blake’s post, I was going to watch it anyway and then Blake just happened to write that stupid thing.
This film absolutely blew me away. Here are my thoughts:
One must, I suppose, talk about “The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie” rather gravely. It is, after all, Bunuel’s 28th feature since “L’Age D’or” in 1929 but, except for “The Exterminating Angel” and “Belle de Jour,” he has never since employe the special freedom of Surrealism for such astonishing and lucid results.
One must talk about these things; yet they tend to flatten the special exhilaration that “The Discreet charm of the Bourgeoisie” inspires when you see it. That exhilaration has to do with the awareness that you’re watching a genius at work through any number of indications, some almost minuscule.
In addition to being extraordinarily funny and perfectly acted, “The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie” moves with the breathtaking speed and self-assurance that only a man of Bunuel’s experience can achieve without resorting to awkward ellipsis.
So, there you have it. Blake can write whatever he wants about me, but we all know who truly “gets it” when it comes to watching foreign films - Anders Holm (not Blake).
Due to an overwhelming lack of interest in literature or doing anything remotely intellectual, I have decided to cancel our book club. I guess I was wrong about my roommates when I wrote that they were pretty smart guys who would get a real kick out of this. Turns out they are actually dumb jerks…
Glad you made that… Corrections. SLAM!
Yes, Slam!, you got me, Adam. I’m reading a brilliant novel, and you’re currently flipping through an eight-week old Us Weekly. Yes, you won Adam. You are the winner. Clearly the wiser of the two.
Due to an overwhelming lack of interest in literature or doing anything remotely intellectual, I have decided to cancel our book club. I guess I was wrong about my roommates when I wrote that they were pretty smart guys who would get a real kick out of this. Turns out they are actually dumb jerks who only think about themselves.
Oh, and don’t think I’m not going to read the book. I’m blazing through it as I write this. I’m already thirty pages in and it’s really, really good. Their loss.
Adam incorrectly stated that I was against the idea of a theme party, which couldn’t be further from the truth. What I’m against is the idea of a random “costume” party wrapped up in a loosely structured “theme”. That is what Adam wants. I wish to transform the party into a multi-platform event… less a party than an immersion into the culture, style, and lifeblood of it’s focus.
That said, these are some of my ideas for an interactive party experience:
Sexy Lingerie Photo Shoot; Girls are models, guys are photographers, the entire house is the ‘set’
Golf Pros and Tennis Hoes, hosted at “The 19th Hole Clubhouse”; lots of ball washing stations, ball boys (and girls…), spiked lemonade, flag sticks, this one is prop heavy but carries a lot of character-based content
Office Christmas Party; I know we’ve got the sweaters for it; actually bummed we missed a larger Half Christmas party. Although, most people I know tend to spend it with their families. But hey, I think I know a place where we can get a copier for some “naughty bits”
Heaven & Hell: You take Adam’s simple “Saints & Sinners” and turn it into a complex milieu of angels, demons, and all the acts inbetween…
College Keg Party: Hey, we wouldn’t even have to redecorate! (which is sad, actually, since I don’t think our audience would be ‘in on the joke’, either, but I could tell which ladies were worth talking to by judging if they got it or not)
That’s a solid start; with 2 months notice, we could have a really memorable occasion on our hands. Just got to start working on the e-vite, if that goes out prematurely things are dead in the water.