The Ders Report

I am not on board with this whole reality TV trend. There are a few reality programs that I enjoy, such as:

• Top Chef
• Project Runway
• Undercover Boss
• Antiques Roadshow

However, I have a real problem with all the “Real Housewives” shows and “Keeping Up With The Kardashians.” The whole idea behind the Real Housewives shows is that they are supposed to be really classy and “socialites” or whatever, but by appearing on a reality show and making disgusting spectacles of themselves, that automatically disqualifies them from being considered classy. 

Also, these are people who just want to be famous. They aren’t interesting and have no discernible skill. The great thing about Project Runway and Top Chef is that these shows are competitions where skilled artists compete against one another and the most talented one wins the competition and well - deserved fame.

Reality TV should be a place to showcase people’s skills and other interesting things, not a medium that rewards dumb people for acting like jerks.

That’s my two cents.

I’ve wanted to be in a book club for a long time, but nobody else wanted to or cared, so I’m going to start my own book club and invite Adam and Blake to join. 

Blake and I have a somewhat contentious past when it comes to film, so I think that reading a book together will heal whatever wounds might have been created by that medium.

For the first book, I’ve chosen Jonathan Franzen’s novel, “The Corrections.” It sounds really good. It’s the story of an elderly couple who want to assemble their family for one last Christmas at home and the struggle involved in getting all of their adult children together.

I really think that Adam and Blake are going to be as excited about this idea as I am and the book has gotten spectacular reviews. I can’t wait to read this book and discuss its themes with them. I like to joke around about those guys, but the truth is that they are smart dudes. I think that if the three of us dedicate ourselves to this book club it’ll be a success.

Let me preface this by saying, I get it, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

“It” is text messages used as a reason to cancel plans last minute. Just ‘cause ya can, doesn’t mean ya should.

Sure, in the old days, I’d be left sitting at that coffee house waitin’ for ole’ Gabby to show up. Sure, if she hadn’t texted me last minute to say she had car trouble, and would be having car trouble for the foreseeable future, I may have thought she wanted to just cancel our plans. None of that means I have to like it. 

Our society has fallen into a generation of “if I feel like it”, and back in the day when you said you were going to do something? YA DID IT. Was that so bad?

That’s my two cents.

This has been a tumultuous week for markets all over the world and unfortunately my investment portfolio was not immune to the devastation. I started investing a few years ago after I watched the movie “Boiler Room” and up until a few weeks ago, I liked to think I was pretty good at picking stocks.

Turns out, I wasn’t quite as good as I thought. Here is a list of companies I have stock in that aren’t exactly performing well:

• Fannie Mae
• World Savings Bank
• United Arab Emirates Construction Consortium

If things continue the way they are I stand to lose almost $340 dollars. Luckily, Volvo is performing well and I have faith that my Volvo stock will rescue my portfolio, so that one day I can put all my money in a hedge fund and hit it big and retire early like a boss.

Last week I said some rude things about my co-worker Montez Walker, under the auspice that he would not have a tumblr presence.  I was wrong, very wrong, and sure, Jillian shouting to Blake a “thank you” for posting her newsletter and horoscopes tipped off everyone within hearing distance, but that’s no excuse for any disparaging remarks I may have had about my good friend Montez.

Montez has politely bombarded me with various musings of his, and after several brainstorming sessions in the Break Room, I told him I’d post a little introduction from him to give everyone a sense of who the real Montez is.  

I’m posting exactly what he sent me, no editing, because that’s what we agreed upon. The pic is all I had, ‘Tez, send your own next time.

MEET MONTEZ

(There should be a pic of me, whatever you got on your computer, Ders, right after that intro, use something good, nothing too grainy.  Check my Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Picasa, Instagram, or Shutterfly, plenty of options. Maybe look through my Flickr album from the trip I took to Green Bay, checking out Lambeau Field. There’s one of me with Vince Lombardi’s statue that’s a good one, it promotes leadership (and my white legs, no tan man!). I’ll pose if you want, too, just need a nice headshot to give the people an idea of who they’re hearing from. Thanks, Ders. Appreciate it.)

HEY Y’ALL! Montez here, your MAN with the PLAN. Your DUDE with the ‘TUDE. Your GUY who won’t LIE. 

I work with Ders and the boys at TelAmeriCorp (Top Sales Getter, 3 months running), and after I heard about Ders saying I was fighting with my lovely wife Colleen on the phone, I wanted to start my own blog-thing to get the word out. Love my COLLEEN, our beautiful son, love SALES, love a POSITIVE ATTITUDE, that’s what life’s ABOUT!

Then I heard Blake was having Jillian write for his blog, and I thought, that’s the angle. FREELANCE. Why own when you can rent? Had a summer home in Van Nuys that Colleen and I invested in, got consumed by termites, had to sell at a loss. We said then we’d be smarter about buying off TV, and it’s done well for us.

With that lesson learned, I’m not about to invest in the letterhead, web design, maintenance, and unique domain name (GO DADDY! Busty ladies selling domain names, there’s a million dollar IDEA!), when I can send Ders a thought or three and increase both our web profiles.

Ders, thank you for having me. As we grow, and determine our cross-section of audience, I’ll be writing specific life lessons, or life styles really, that can BLOW. YOUR. MIND. It’s all about answering the public demand. Next time? RELATIONSHIP ADVICE. That sound good?

Until then, thanks for stopping by THE DERS (and Montez!) REPORT.

-Montez

PS - Have you loved today?

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And there you have it.  Don’t talk about your co-workers behind their backs, is the lesson here, folks.  It’s not worth what you have to put up with, although Montez is a welcome addition to The Ders Report bullpen, since I have to remember he’s reading this now.

Blake, 

This isn’t easy for me, but in the spirit of being forthright, I just want to tell you that I also have a major crush on Paula Deen. I know that you fell in love with her first and I feel like a real scumbag for liking the same girl that you do, but she really is amazing and I tried to fight it, but I can’t fight what’s in my heart.

For those of you who didn’t see it as a sub listing on my main page, my newest business endeavor (well, not new, as I have several promising young upstarts already under my tutelage) has been launched—

Holmvik International Sports Management

Our International Sports Management team will do the dirty work so you don’t have to.  

Need a deadbeat posse member tossed to the curb?  Heck, they ain’t OUR first cousin! 

Need a baby-momma’s mouth shut tighter than her legs?  Daddy who?

Need your brand expanded to new markets, reaching new heights, and breaking new records?  Just sign on the dotted line.

While our full client list is completely *confidential*, we are in talks to add the following studs to our HISM Stable—

• Ryan Lochte
• Eldric “Tiger” Woods
• Abby Wambach
• Danica Patrick
• Randy Moss
• Scott Van Pelt

And many, many more.  You could be on this list, *confidentially*, of course, all you have to do is want more.

Holmvik International Sports Management - Be the Best.

In light of recent decisions and conversations I have agreed to waive all of Adam’s outstanding bills in exchange for him letting me stay in my room for an additional six months.

I’m glad that we were able to reach this agreement and even though it got a little nasty I think it really strengthened our friendship. You are welcome to come into my room and hang out whenever you want (as long as I am in there, I’m still not taking the lock off).

Well, the unthinkable has happened…The US’ credit rating was recently downgraded from AAA to AA+. Like many Americans, and people of other nationalities, who’ve been following this news, I’m shocked.

It’s horrifying to think of what might happen as a result and that thought alone has cause me a great deal of stress and anxiety. I wrote about this in an earlier post and I am sad that nobody took my advice because if they had then this could almost certainly have been averted.

I watched “Meet the Press” while I worked out over the weekend and the scariest thing of all is that nobody really seems to have a plan for how to fix the economy. I have a few ideas (which I already e mailed to Timothy Geithner, US Secretary of the Treasury). They are:

• free health care (this seems easy enough, not sure why we don’t do it already).
• not borrowing so much money from China (I don’t really get why we need to borrow all this money in the first place).
• not spending so much in general (this seems so obvious. If we just SAVED some money instead of spending it all on stuff, then there wouldn’t be a deficit - or debt, I’m not sure which one we have).

Hopefully these, or similar ideas, will help kickstart the economy and get America back on top. Where it belongs.

Mr. DeMamp has recently made it is focus to make me appear to be a backstabbing, deceitful liar. I am anything but. I find the best way to prove this is to not refute his statements, but simply state facts of my own.

These are the outstanding debits/payments/bills owed to me by one Mr. Adam DeMamp:

1. Cable Bill (July ‘11) - $65.43
2. Cable PPV Orders watched exclusively by Mr. DeMamp - $150.33
3. Milk Purchased for Mr. Holmvik consumed entirely by Mr. DeMamp (May ‘11) - $2.18
4. Beer Purchased by Mr. Holmvik consumed entirely by Mr. DeMamp last Friday (with help from Mr. Henderson, who has since paid back Mr. Holmvik in beer restitution) - $14.99
5. Gas for vehicle Mr. DeMamp is *Frequently* a rider in (September ‘10-August 9, ‘11)- $400.32
6. Rental fee for use of Blu Ray Player  and various Blu Ray DVD discs (since moving in, a generous $10 a month price)- $130
7. Gum (Various pieces bogarted since May 2008) - $25-ish (would accept a buyout at this number, but I believe the true debt to be much higher since Orbitz raised their prices)
8. The assault on my character Mr. DeMamp has mounted, tarnishing my professional reputation: PRICELESS

Until I receive all, if not some, of these outstanding debts, I will not consider Mr. DeMamp as anything but a cheap, lying deadbeat.  The numbers don’t lie.

Dear Ryan,

Hey, it’s Ders.  You may remember we shook hands at  the 2010 Pan Pacific Swimming Championships in Irvine, I said you did a great job “Pooling your talents…”, you said “Huh?”, it was a great bit.  I thought it was the first of many.  It still could be, that’s up to you.

I’ve looked up to you since the 2005 Aquatic Championships in Montreal when you won gold with Phelps, Vanderkaay, and Keller.  A chain is only as strong as it’s weakest link, and you were all strong chains that day.  Since then you’ve had the world of swimming in your hands… but I haven’t seen you do one Subway commercial, host SNL or date a high-level, A to B list celeb.

You know who has?  Of course you do.  You see him at the meets, pushing himself to be the best… the best that you could already be.  Do I have to say his name?  I will.  Phelps. You could be him… hell, you are, in a lot of ways.  Only without the bank account, notoriety, or Q rating.

The only thing holding you back?  It’s not yourself— it’s your management.  Did your management set a world record at the World Championships last week?  No, you did.  YOU DID, RYAN.  How is it that story didn’t lead Sportscenter, or it’s regional network equivalent?  Did you trend on Twitter?  How many ‘Likes’ did your Facebook page get?  Has Lorne Michaels called?

I bet you don’t even know right now.  Ask your reps, go ahead, I bet they say “Focus on your swimming, we’ll focus on your brand.”  You know who got told something just like that once?  Mike Tyson.  Look where he is now, not boxing for championships, but bustling for loose change.  Do you want that in 20 years?  Or do you want to be tying Alec Baldwin for most times hosting SNL?  

Now, I’m going to talk business.  You need a new manager.  I need a new client.  A crowning jewel, who I can give 110% of my business, sports management, and friendship.  Someone who can sit on the throne next to me as we look over the sports landscape, which we’ve dominated together, and toast the champagne our Best of SNL DVD residuals paid for.

Hell, I can even dust off the ole’ speedo and join the team, if our practice sessions go the way I think they will.  And they will Ryan— and they will.

In closing, you’ve got the world in your goggle view; do you want it to be the fogged-out, crappy view those old Speedo Sprints gave, or the new Speedo Air Seal view, clear as a bell and beautiful as you can imagine?  

The choice is yours.  Make the right one.

Respectfully yours,

Anders Torphin Holmvik
Holmvik International Sports Management
President and Co-Founder 

Was fortunate enough to get a few honey’s digits this weekend; and let me say, the current female populace’s phone etiquette leaves much to be desired.  

Of the 3 ladies I graced with a “Nice to meet you, let’s do it again sometime, only horizontal;-) :-P” intro text, I got 1 no response (she probably left her phone chargers at work, I know it’s happened to me, so I’ll look to hear back today), 1 pizza place (must’ve typed her number wrong, but to ere is human) and 1 “Who is this?”

“Who is this?”  You giving out your number so much you gotta ask which dude it is dropping a holla your way?  Maybe the problem isn’t that you dress like a 14 year old boy with your faded throwback t-shirt and boy jeans, or your trying-so-hard ponytail; maybe it’s your MANNERS.  

Swap the R in curt with an N, much?  

Twitter.  It’s how business gets done.  In the changing world of social media, sometimes it’s not how many followers your tweets have— it’s how many eyes are on your tweets.

Now, unless you have access to their laptop or their cell phone, you can’t make someone retweet you.  So what’s the secret?  Persistence.  

How many times have you @ mentioned someone?  One?  Two?  Try twenty-seven.  In a row.  That’s how many times I @ mentioned George Lopez till I got a response back.  But I did.  It wasn’t a retweet, but it still got eyeballs on my handle.

If they ain’t seein’ you, they ain’t tweetin’ you.  Memorize that.  It’s how I got over 60 followers in a little over 10 months.  You could be there too, if you just stick to your guns.

Then there’s my situation with Jamie Foxx; since I was following an impostor Jamie first, most of my initial messages didn’t get to him.  So I’m playing it slow with the real JF; following, the occasional retweet of his excellent work, but not @ mentioning him just yet.  Hey, maybe we’ll meet up first, and then, hey, it’s your old friend @…

Also, for business reasons, I’ve decided I’m not going to divulge my professional twitter account in these write ups; I feel it would taint my brand, with too many fans tweeting to me about non-professional subjects.  I’ve had less than desirable feedback to my tumblr experience, and I don’t need a pile of bird poop on my tweet deck, ya feel me?

That could change, and really, it’s up to you, loyal Ders Report readers— but that content is earmarked for The State of the Ders Report Address, and this is twitter centric, so let’s dance back onto that floor.

When it comes to a retweet strategy, I like to go after the big whales; those with the followers who will have a similar audience to my desired demographic. So, yes, Jamie Foxx, Ashton Kutcher, Michael Phelps, Fox News, Anderson Cooper (to be sure I’m staying in the middle of the aisle), Lady Gaga, they’re all frequent guests on the virtual talk show that is my twitter feed. Want to be in the audience? Well, I guess you can’t, since I’m not announcing my feed at this time…

I’m going to rethink my strategy, come back at this later, it is tough to keep hinting at how fun my socially networked playground is.

How about this, just go ahead and follow the basic structure of what I’m outlining, and watch your followers grow; hey, maybe I’ll be one of them— and you won’t even know it.

Anders Holmvik is a business professional currently directed on the pod of sales.  He runs the award-winning & socially responsible tumblr feed, The Ders Report.

Why do teenagers think it’s cool to misspell things? It isn’t cool, guys. If you aren’t sure how to spell something then look it up before you post something to Facebook or Twitter. Don’t spell it wrong because you think it’s funny or cute. That’s my two cents.

Really digging my new Skechers Shape Ups. If you care about your body and personal appearance then I suggest you pick up a pair immediately.

Fact - a lot of women wear these to firm up their rear ends. This isn’t why I got them, but I have noticed that mine definitely feels firmer.

I got these because they tighten the abdominal muscles and strengthen the back. My calf muscles are also getting a tremendous workout and my posture, even though it was great to begin with, is even more exceptional.

They also look pretty cool and unique. I pride myself on being fashion forward. I’m by far the most fashionable of anyone in my house - which isn’t that hard when one of my roommates dresses like an 8th grader and the other one dresses like Tommy Chong. That’s right, Adam can make fun of them all he wants, but the truth is that I am way more stylish than he is. Also, now that I got these I have way stronger calfs.