Jackpot! Just scored a Groupon deal for tickets to the Los Angeles Philharmonic. I’ve wanted to go for a long time, not only because the building is so cool, but the conductor (Gustavo Dudamel) is a total boss and really young (30, I think). I got 3 tickets for 75% off (yes, you read that right) for this Thursday night. I’m not sure what the show is yet, but I’m sure it’s awesome.
I know the guys will be into this and it will be nice to do something classy for once on a Thursday night instead of going to Arturo’s and watching Adam do the burrito challenge for the 50th time.
Hey, that was kind of harsh... Some of us are paying for college with loans or scholarships...
Then you should hate that free-loading flu shot-getter just as much as I do.
The Ders Report respect the working student, and supports the scholarship system. TheHIP-Tourney plans to donate a small amount of it’s high profits to a scholarship of some kind. Most likely, essay contest for future leaders of international sports and business.
It’s been brought to my attention (by the show Frontline) that there are people out there who are anti - vaccine and who believe that vaccines cause autism and other disorders. This is total propaganda and scientists have never found a link between vaccines and autism or anything else.
Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy (pictured above) need to use their celebrity for the good of the public and NOT for spreading propaganda.
—about playing in the inaugural HOLMVIK INTERNATIONAL PLAYAS TOURNAMENT!
The HIPT (or, "Hip T" as it should be known on the street) gives locked out NBA players a chance to showcase their skills for the international pro basketball market.
We’re looking to field anywhere from 16, to 32, to 68 (play in games!) teams. Teams should be a standard 5, you go as deep on the bench as you want, but remember; no one buys a ticket to see a 6th man.
Rules will be standard, with a few tweaks meant to bring the jaded audience back; Rock-n-Jock 10 point shot will be in effect, half court shots count for 20, and fouls will be called prison yard style. Some of you will know how that works, others will pick it up on the fly.
All European, Chinese, and “other” (crazed billionaires, Bill Simmons) professional representatives will be invited (comped tickets) to view the games, scout talent, and sign whomever impresses them the most to lucrative, tax-free deals. Kobe, Dwight, Melo, Lebron, Lebron’s teammates… you can’t NOT afford to play in this tourney. Your very livelihood DEPENDS on it.
For just a small percentage of your future earnings, Anders Holmvik and Holmvik International Sports Management will logistically take care of you, homie!
Gonna take Blake and Adam with me to Walgreens after work today so we can all get flu shots. I get mine every October 17th and this year I’m making them do it so that come flu season our house isn’t a cesspool of germs and sickness.
I think that people who avoid getting flu shots or vaccinations (for themselves or their children) are irresponsible and delusional (more on this later). I also need to remember to buy contact lens solution while I’m at Walgreens.
Well, went .500. Turkey on wheat bread. Right down the fairway.
But what’s important is that my two highest-confidence picks WON.
World Champ Packers, Lochte of the Week on the Raiders, and we’re back in the black. So if you only trusted me at my best, like I do, you won big $$$ this weekend. Or were highly entertained, since gambling outside of certain pre-approved areas is illegal, and The Ders Report does not encourage illegal activity. (WINK!)
I clearly overestimated my “animal fighting” strategy for picking (or underestimated the fight a Panther or Lion would have against a Falcon and 49’ers, respectively), and I will NOT make that mistake again.
I found this “Spagett” poster at the comic book store near our house and scooped it up right away. Not sure if this is a poster for a new Steven Spielberg movie or an old one that got shelved or something, but either way it has to be a collector’s item. The clerk at the store kept laughing and asking me if I was a Spagett fan, and he even said “spooked ya” when he handed me my change. Not sure what was wrong with him.
One thing’s for sure, The Anders Holmvik Trust For The Advancement Of Arts And Culture is growing by leaps and bounds.
Going to do a quick Google search of Spagett when I get home and see what exactly the deal is.
Really engrossed in the Kama Sutra and all it has shown me. I’ve learned a lot of exciting new positions and a surprising amount about ancient Hindu culture. There are also two fascinating sections about “acquiring a wife” and “the duties and privileges of marriage.” Granted, these were written in a very different era and don’t really apply anymore, there’s still some useful stuff about courtship.
My only fear is that Bunny thinks my whole Kama Sutra approach is creepy and too forward. But my motto with love is: go big or go home. I really believe that she will be so charmed and swept off her feet by all I’ve learned from this Indian love manual that any tension we might have will just dissolve and our spirits will align on the plane of love and sensuality. And after that, it’s game over.
I’ve always thought modeling was easy because babies could do it, but now I know why they excel at it; they don’t have to deal with the business side of things.
Three voicemails from Kyle Walsh last night, looking to see if I wanted to come in for some new headshots/body shots/free nude modeling seminar. I wasn’t born yesterday, I know this is how they get you; give you the first taste of success for free, then when the work dries up (or in my case, you quit modeling) they try to cash in on your naiveté by selling useless accessories as “essential”. Not on my watch, Walsh.
Gonna call Kyle back at lunch and break the news that I’m retired. Unless he has a national ad campaign at the ready, that’ll be the end of that chapter in my life.
Had to swing by the mall to pick up my laptop, which needed a really thorough cleaning after Adam defiled it (still can’t believe he did that. What a sick fuck). Anyway, not only do I have my laptop back, but I also came across The Kama Sutra (pictured up top) and decided to purchase a copy in anticipation for what might play out with Bunny - the young lady who poked me on Facebook yesterday.
I have always understood the importance of foreplay and sensuality, but it’s been a little while since I’ve been able to put my ideas to use. This way I get a nice little refresher and I’ll undoubtedly learn some new techniques and perhaps gain a deeper understanding of the connection between sexuality and spirituality; which will undoubtedly turn Bunny on big time.
One thing’s for sure, I need to keep this book far out of Adam’s reach, lest he do to it what he did to my computer.
Bunny Anderson, a very special lady from my past just poked me on Facebook. No big deal. She also sent me a message where she wrote that she wants to “reconnect.” Obviously I’m freaking out right now.
We never dated, per se, but we always were totally into each other and it was one of those things where we were never single at the same time. More specifically, I was usually single, but too busy with swimming or something else to ever make the relationship work (and she always had a boyfriend).
Either way, that’s all in the past and now that we’re both adults there will be no limitations on what could very well be a great and wondrous love.
I have to admit, I came out strong against Zooey Deschanel and her new show, NEW GIRL, which had an ad campaign based on the phrase “SIMPLY ADORKABLE”.
After hearing Jillian claim it was her favorite new non-hillbilly fishing show, I decided to give it an honest, 22 minute (DVR’d, skipping commercials) audition.
I watched last week’s offering, “The Wedding”, and guys… she IS adorkable. I didn’t know what that was in the campaign, but seeing it, I gotta say, I’m pro-adorkable. And, to be clear, I’m going with the definition that adorkable means “dork girl you want to have sex with”. I don’t find her charming, lovable, or re-watchable, but I would dork her silly.
I guess she also provides a strong female protagonist for young girls to look up to, so there’s that along with me wanting to have sex with her.
I just want to use this post to scold and shame Adam for “ruining” (and that’s a euphemism) my laptop and forcing me to get it professionally cleaned and re - booted; which was not cheap.
Adam, next time you want to check out whaletails.com or one of the many other weird niche adult sites you forgot to clear from my history, at the very least do it on your own computer or don’t make a mess all over my keyboard.
I can’t believe I even have to tell you this. I’m so embarrassed for you and what a disgusting slob you’ve become. I may very well have peed on your sheets, but this is way, way more disgusting.
Really liked your list, Adam. Let me make a few changes to more accurately reflect who you could actually beat up.
Football Players Adam Can Beat Up:
There. That’s more accurate.
You see, Adam. These men are professional athletes whose job requires them to be in top physical shape. Not only are they required to do strength and endurance training, but you have to be pretty tough in general to play professional football.
I would LOVE to see you try to beat one of these guys up, so let me know if you’re ever planning on fighting Tim Tebow so I can show up and film it.
Also, that totally was Norv Turner who pwned you at Best Buy.
Trying to land one more big sale before lunch, which some would say is pressing but I look at as a habit of a top 5 salesman, and I got a flusher.
For those not in the game, “a flusher” is someone who answers the phone while they’re on the toilet, and you don’t know it until you hear them flush.
It’s completely inappropriate, disrespectful, and almost never leads to a sale. I wish I could tell you this wasn’t one of those times, but the flush took me out of my rhythm and I crapped out. Pun intended.
Gonna clear my head at lunch and come back strong (which is another habit of a top 5 salesman).
Football is a full contact sport. I get it. What I don’t get is when football players run into people on the sidelines and knock them over (refs, photographers, cheerleaders, etc.) why don’t they ever help them up or at least check to see if they are OK?
Is there some rule that you aren’t allowed to stop and be a decent human being and make sure that the (often much smaller) person you just bulldozed doesn’t have any broken bones or a concussion?
I’m not saying that the players have to make any kind of grand, elaborate apology when this happens, but at least acknowledge that you injured someone and help them up. Is that so hard?
Tiger Woods continued his climb back to the top this weekend with an impressive 38th place finish at the Frys.com Open. Tiger’s short game was much more consistent than we’ve seen in the past year and I think one or two more tournaments and he’ll be right back on top where he belongs.
However, it wasn’t all smiles and sunshine for Woods, as a deranged fan threw a hot dog at him while he was putting on the 7th hole. Said Woods:
I could hear the security behind me. I was still bent over my putt. And when I looked up (the hot dog) was already in the air.
”— Tiger Woods
Tiger has been through a lot of crap in the past two years. The last thing he needs is some borderline terrorist throwing a hot dog at him. Luckily the guy was arrested and frankly I hope they take him straight to Guantanamo Bay and waterboard the hell out of him.
Rough week gang. I hope you played for entertainment purposes only, because, if you didn’t, chances are the rent check might bounce. If you own, at least you can borrow against your home equity until things turn around, but, I, I need to get better. It’s not all my fault, though, and it wasn’t ALL BAD.
The good: The Green Bay Packers are the World Champs, proved it to the ATLANTA FALCONS, and still haven’t lost since they won the title. Oh, did I mention they covered the spread? I’ll be picking them every week from here on out, so adjust your “entertainment” budget accordingly.
Then, the bad: The INDIANAPOLIS COLTS lost to what I called the “hapless” Kansas City Chiefs. Looks like I’m the hapless one. Me, or the Indy defense. Checked my watch this morning, and it said it was time to FIRE THE COLTS COACH.
MINNESOTA VIKINGS staved off my upset alert against the Arizona Cardinals, and hometown boy Larry Fitzgerald made NO IMPACT WHATSOEVER. If Mr. Fitzgerald is looking for representation in the future, maybe he should make more of an impact ON THE FIELD.
AND THE WORST!: My highly successful Ryan Lochte of the Week… proved never successful when your take a crap team like the New York Giants at home. Eli Manning has been called a mouth breather, which I won’t call him here just to take a cheap shot. But I won’t refute it.
Deep breath. A loser makes mistakes, but a winner learns from them. I’m a winner. You can be too. Why?
I GUARANTEED a 3-1 record against the spread this week. Maybe I’m guarantee dyslexic (1-3). Maybe… maybe I meant THIS WEEK. See you Thursday, kids, when I’ll debut my brand new picks system. The kinks have been worked out, and I’m ready to make it profitable.
After pretty much losing my shit over the album Purple Rain, I decided to give the movie another shot.
I wish I could say that my renewed appreciation for the soundtrack caused me to see the movie in a whole new light, but unfortunately that just wasn’t the case. It was still the same tableau of madness that I remembered.
Sort of sucks that it turned out this way, but my feelings haven’t changed about the album. Purple Rain (the album) fucking rocks.
Still no TelAmeriCorp Employee of the Month. Alice called us in to the conference room this morning, and gave us a real how-to. The numbers were up, slightly, but still not good enough for government, or telemarketing, work.
Homegirl was saying she thought some people might lose their jobs, but she’s weird and is always saying something; I’d trust her as a news source the same day I trusted MSNBC!
Anyway you slice it, Alice is total Boss Moves with this tactic (which higher end employees like myself clearly see it as, and don’t feel our jobs are in danger). I gotta say, my respect for her has gone up, and when she names me the first Employee of the Month in the new era, I will be sure to mention that.
Gonna spend the rest of the day drinking coffee by people’s cubicles and saying jobs are on the line, to really help Alice drive home her message. She didn’t ask me to, but she should see it as taking initiative and she’s been for that in the past.
I was listening to Pandora on the computer and a song came on that sounded kind of familiar. I wasn’t really paying attention, but I was definitely getting into it so I looked over and it was none other than “Purple Rain” - the title track from the eponymous film.
I have some major issues with that movie which I listed here. But after hearing that song in a different context and subsequently listening to the entire album (twice), I’ve really turned over a new leaf.
I bought the album on iTunes and I definitely plan on listening to it tonight and doing some major reflection.
Been struggling with this dilemma a lot recently. Particularly since Naomi was here for that fateful day. Jesus she was hot. I’ve been arguing with Blake and Adam about this and we couldn’t come to a consensus about whether or not this was acceptable. As a result I called the one authority on all things workplace - related who could answer this question once and for all; MY DAD.
Unfortunately, he wasn’t very receptive to my question and he kept asking if I was serious and why I was wasting his time with such a stupid question. He also told me that if he caught any of his employees masturbating at work that he would fire them on the spot. Before he hung up he told me to re-consider coming home for Thanksgiving if I ever called him with another question like that.
A lot of people, like my parents, are talking about Andy Rooney leaving 60 Minutes. Andy had a heartfelt goodbye this Sunday and we got a glimpse into the life and mind of America’s Great Uncle, who we don’t like talking to at family functions.
Some people call Great Uncle Andy a curmudgeon, a cranky 92 year old dinosaur who rambles on about whatever he sees in front of him on his desk. I disagree. As he said in his farewell ‘sign off’ this Sunday, he considers himself a writer. He doesn’t like a lot of attention for his work, hates giving autographs, and generally doesn’t want any attention for being the cornerstone of the nation’s #1 news magazine program.
Well Great Uncle Andy, WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? Did you cash those TV checks? Did ya? Then, as someone who pays for the electricity to power my TV, you work FOR me. If I want to approach you while you’re struggling to finish a cup of soup, and thank you for saying what I always thought about the balls of cotton in pill bottles, you put down your fucking spoon and thank me for my kind words. You owe me that much.
If you can’t hear me, or are easily confused, have those grandkids you showed pics and bragged about last Sunday put you in a home where you won’t be unleashed on your “fans”. For someone who’s been working as long as you have, I bet you’ve got the money. Just because you don’t know where, or who, you are, doesn’t give you free license to act like a dick. Like my Dad told me when I didn’t file my own taxes when I turned 18, ignorance is never an excuse.
Great Uncle Andy, you’ve said what the nation’s already been thinking longer than I can remember, and you deserve your victory lap. But don’t give me the finger while you do it. You should never be the byline of your own eulogy, pal. So until you’re dead and buried, act like a fucking professional. We deserve that much after all the time we’ve spent together.
I’ve always had a pretty good eye when it comes to art and today marked my first official purchase in what will eventually grow to become The Anders Holmvik Trust For The Advancement Of Arts And Culture.
Picked it up for mega cheap at Bed, Bath & Beyond in the shopping center near work:
As I said, this is only my first piece in a collection that I hope will one day rival that of the Getty family, Peggy Guggenheim or the Barnes Foundation.
There’s an exhibit on the art of Native American Basketry at the Gene Autry Museum near our place, so I’m obviously gonna check that out this weekend. It’d be sort of nice to have a gf so I could go with her instead of going by myself (Blake and Adam won’t wanna go).
I realized today what a good friend I am to Blake and Adam by driving said ‘Vo. Sure, I don’t mind driving all the time, I’ve actually come to kind of like it. I can monitor the roads, listen to the radio stations I like, drive at my own pace. Lot of perks come with that steering wheel.
Sure, neither of them is legally allowed to drive anyway.
Sure, neither of them has made any moves to rectify that situation in months.
Sure, neither of them has owned a car or realizes the maintenance, care, or upkeep involved in such a thing, aside from chipping in a few Andrew Jackson’s for gas every 2nd Tuesday.
No, I’m a good friend because I haven’t politely reminded them that my car insurance, cleaning supplies (think those mint air fresheners buy themselves?), and overall auto care needs could also use a little 'donation' from time to time, since they’re getting all the benefits of car ownership with NONE of the legal or financial responsibility.
Responsibilities that have continued to pile up, almost in direct response to their repeated riding in, on, and around the ‘Vo.
So they should sit back and relax, because I clearly have things under control. Clearly, because they’ve already got their feet up, but now I’m telling them to put their mind at rest, too. Because I’m such a good friend.
Been watching a lot of Giada At Home on The Food Network (pretty big crush on Giada De Laurentiis - whose grandfather, Dino De Laurentiis produced all the James Bond films) and I decided to cook one of her signature recipes for Adam, Blake and myself.
Gonna make a feast of “linguine with clams.” According to Giada, all I need are fresh clams, garlic, tomatoes, white wine and a pinch of parsley. Last time I made one of Giada’s recipes (a lovely polenta), Adam told me it tasted like puke.
I’m sure he and Blake will refuse to eat the clams because they’re “weird”, but they need to learn about the magic of good food, just as I have.
Ran into Principal Senn at Subway today. He seemed really flustered and I don’t think he recognized me, even after I re-introduced myself and told him what became of Reptar. He just sort of nodded and told me he was in a hurry and then booked it to his car (which was parked in a handicapped space). Pretty weird guy.
Bet that’s how a lot of you feel. Bet’s the wrong word to use, considering I told you to bet big on my Ders’ Picks and gave you 3 losers.
Bills 20, BENGALS 23 (+3.5)
EAGLES 23 (-6.5), 49’ers 24
RAIDERS 19 (+4.5), Patriots 31
THREE LOSERS WHERE THE I DIDN’T JUST LOSE WITH THE SPREAD, I LOST OVERALL! Which means you lost, and now your son can’t go to tennis camp because we just don’t have the money right now.
To be fair, I didn’t outright tell you to gamble, which is also illegal and these picks are meant For Entertainment Only. If it weren’t for my Ryan Lochte of the Week coming through (thanks, New Orleans Saints 23, Jacksonville Jaguars 10!!!!!) I’d be offering full ‘hypothetical’ refunds. But at least if you hit that hard, your child can still be the next Sampras.
I vow to do better next week. This is a fluke. Fluke’s happen. Even Jamie Foxx makes a “Law Abiding Citizen” once in a while. Let’s rally— together.
Excited for tonight. Adam and Blake could tell I’ve been a little down, and decided that tonight was all about a good round of 40 Hands, beats, and gettin’ live.
I don’t need a bottle of exclusive whiskey to enjoy my friends, or my weekend. I’m gonna put the car keys on the shelf, mix a strong one, and head up to the roof for a night of long overdue chill time. These guys are the best friends a guy could ask for, at least in a three-person house rental situation.
It’s nights like these where you lower your expectations and something amazing happens. At least, that’s what happened the night we found ourselves in that abandoned Hollywood Video. Boy, was that a romp.
Short form— it’s all about the people you surround yourself with; and like the man below, I think I surround myself with some pretty cool cats.
See you out there… if we make it. And if we do? HOLD ON!
Realized today I missed Blake’s Fun Time Place. Sad that it’s gone. I can find all the mindless blather other places, but from ole’ Henderson, it was a treat.
But, Alice is on the warpath, and someone had to go for all the internet chatter our pages had gotten. He took the hit for us, and I’ve already told him there’s a bottle of Blue Moon headed his way tonight. Wanted to share some Pappy with him, but you know how that goes.
With Employee of the Month in play next week, I’m not about to make any waves— I think I got a shot at it (if she reinstates it from last month).