October 2011
77 posts
2 tags
HEY ADAM!
Fuck you, dude.
2 tags
MORE ADAM MAIL--
Very surprised at the latest letter I’ve received for Adam. Can’t believe he had time to write, with his busy schedule preparing for the Detroit Lions Defense on Sunday.
Yep, TIM TEBOW just sent a letter to Adam, allow me to share:
ATTN: ADAM DEMAMP HEY. FUCKFACE.
Been hearing you run your mouth about how you can kicks my ass. Well why don’t you fly out to Denver, come to the Broncos...
2 tags
More Mail for Adam...
Hey, Adam, first of all, it’s spelled “Buffett”, but I’m sure Mr. Buffett was so busy trying to tell me how bad I was at business that he spelled his own name wrong.
While you were busy posting that letter, this e-mail must’ve been sent to me by mistake…
Adam,
I’m writing you from the production office of Transformers 4, Rise of Galvatron. It’s going really well. I already...
2 tags
A Letter for Adam
This is odd, but the mail just came in early. I got a letter addressed to Adam while he was busy not working; it was half open, so I pulled this out (not illegally opening it) and found the following—
Dear Mr. DeMamp,
William R. Johnson, here. Yes, the Chairman, President, and CEO of the HJ Heinz company; we define ketchup products and the condiment game here at our Pittsburgh HQ. Just...
4 tags
Things I Am Better At Than Adam
Adam, as a reminder of how much better I am at things than you are, here is a list of things I do better than you, or competitions I’ve beaten you in:
General things I can do better:
Using the dishwasher
Not getting DUI’s
MAKING KETCHUP
Phone sales
Fashion (I dress better)
Sports (swimming in particular)
Competitions in which I’ve defeated you:
House chin up competition...
3 tags
Can't Hardly Wait (To Make Adam Cry)
Poor, misguided Adam. You think your ketchup is better than Uncle Ders’ Homestyle Catsup? I tasted your ketchup and it’s not even close. I couldn’t be less intimidated right now.
Remember the scene in Dumb & Dumber where Jim Carrey rips the chef’s heart out? Well that’s what I’m going to do to you (metaphorically).
Bring it on.
3 tags
2? Better than 1. FACT.
The handshakes are over; Adam and I are at war.
Adam’s getting all bent out of shape about the fact I tinkered with his sacred “recipe” for the 2nd batch of our ketchup enterprise on Sunday, so let me just lay out the facts for you, without the bias of his anger.
I ordered separate labels because we have separate varieties of the same product; but he won’t listen to...
2 tags
Need a Hug
Got into a fight with Adam last night, won’t bother you with the details, but the short story is I missed all of Monday Night Football. I had the Ravens as my Ryan Lochte of the Week, so I thought money in the bank, right?
Wrong. The Ravens went belly up and somehow lost to the Jags OUTRIGHT. Fucks my week straight up the back-door. I was really counting on that money (entertainment...
3 tags
3 tags
2 tags
Fell Off The Treadmill
One of my worst gym fears was realized this morning - I fell off the treadmill. I’ve seen it happen a few times and I’ve always had to look away because I was laughing so hard. Today I was not laughing.
I wanted to do some light cardio before hitting the weights, but I was feeling so good that I decided to just go all out and run for 20 minutes. They were playing Cheers on TV (the...
3 tags
1 tag
2 tags
gorilagorila asked: I thought this was a serious business blog - what's with all the fluff about sports and flu shots? Act real, Ders!
2 tags
Symphony Recap: It Sucked
My trip to the symphony was not nearly as awesome as I imagined it would be. In fact, it sucked pretty goddamn hard. First Adam and Blake bail on me at the last minute because they’d rather go see Drive again. Now I’m stuck with two extra tickets and in the hole for $65 dollars.
Traffic was horrendous getting to the concert hall, so I didn’t even have time to get dinner (luckily...
3 tags
Symphony Tonight!
So f’ing pumped for the symphony tonight. There’s going to be a guy playing the electric cello AND Dudamel is conducting Prokofiev’s fifth symphony. Should be fucking amazing.
Adam and Blake are even excited to go (at least they seem excited). Gonna leave work early so we can get there in time for a quick bite and a cocktail. Also very excited to wear the blazer my parents got...
3 tags
Ders' Picks - Week 7
Whoa. Don’t know about you, but I’d go for it on 4th down against that “Double D-fense”.
Want to walk with the swag of a winner? READ ON FOR MY PICKS!
Got to .500 last week. This week, I’ve abandoned the “mascot fight” strategy and gone to a “Which city is more blue collar?” Blue collar city’s mean blue collar players, and...
3 tags
The printer is on the fritz today so Jillian had to write out all of our leads by hand. Then she ran out of pens so she asked me if it was okay if she wrote my leads with a pink highlighter. I said yes thinking it wouldn’t be a big deal, but it turned out to be a pretty big deal because the ink is making my eyes hurt and I’m getting a headache.
This is sort of my fault, but mostly...
3 tags
The HIP-T Update
Not getting the pro-basketball player response I’d expected from my “Holmvik International Playas Tournament” (HIP-T on the street) announcement.
Must be because they’re locked up in labor talks at the moment, and want to keep their negotiating knifes sharp. Confident those talks will crumble, and then they’ll probably contact me about dates and numbers.
Plenty of...
