Very surprised at the latest letter I’ve received for Adam. Can’t believe he had time to write, with his busy schedule preparing for the Detroit Lions Defense on Sunday.
Yep, TIM TEBOW just sent a letter to Adam, allow me to share:
ATTN: ADAM DEMAMP
Been hearing you run your mouth about how you can kicks my ass. Well why don’t you fly out to Denver, come to the Broncos practice facility, and try me, slapnuts? I bet my Heisman Trophy I’ll hit you so hard your dog’ll turn retarded.
You called out the thunder, well get ready to taste my holy lightning because I’ve looked over my O-Line at the Auburn Defense, what the fuck do you think scares me about you? I’ll answer for you, NOTHING. I’ve never had sex before but I know I’LL FUCK YOU UP, punchy.
I’ll fully reimburse you for your airfare to Denver to get your shit destroyed, and while I’m speaking of bad news, know that I just signed to be the official spokesman of Uncle Ders’ Homestyle Catsup. It tastes great, is well marketed, and that Ders Holmvik is the type of guy I also want to sign with for professional sports representation.
Hey, Holmvik International Sports Management is ANOTHER company he started, so he’s got 2 successful businesses to your GOOSE EGG?
Pray to God you don’t die when I spike your head off the concrete, because sounds like you’re looking at an eternity of FAILURE.
Your Brother in Christ, Tim Tebow Professional QB Spokesman, Uncle Ders’ Homestyle Catsup
Hey, Adam, first of all, it’s spelled “Buffett”, but I’m sure Mr. Buffett was so busy trying to tell me how bad I was at business that he spelled his own name wrong.
While you were busy posting that letter, this e-mail must’ve been sent to me by mistake…
I’m writing you from the production office of Transformers 4, Rise of Galvatron. It’s going really well. I already invited Ders to come to set and give me some pointers and maybe even have a cameo, but he’s pretty busy being a corporate juggernaut so I’m not sure if he’ll be able to do it.
We’ve had a few meetings about me directing the commercial for Uncle Ders’ Homestyle Catsup. I really hope he lets me do it. It would be such an honor. Also, I am trying to set him up with Megan Fox. They would be such a perfect couple.
One thing’s for sure, I will never, ever direct a commercial for Chef DeMamp’s Gourmet Ketchup. It would tarnish my reputation, my brand, and my soul. I only lend my name and talent to projects that are perfect— like most things Ders touches.
Kiss My Ass,
He’s also the director of THE ROCK and ARMAGEDDON. Guy knows what he’s talking about, and he pretty much runs Hollywood. Hate to be on his bad side, like Adam…
This is odd, but the mail just came in early. I got a letter addressed to Adam while he was busy not working; it was half open, so I pulled this out (not illegally opening it) and found the following—
Dear Mr. DeMamp,
William R. Johnson, here. Yes, the Chairman, President, and CEO of the HJ Heinz company; we define ketchup products and the condiment game here at our Pittsburgh HQ. Just taking a break from an incredibly professional product pitch from Anders T. Holmvik to formally inform you that we are not interested in acquiring your ketchup product at this time. Heinz 57, heard of it? If you’ve even smelled a ketchup before, chances are you have. The 57 stands for 57(!) varieties of ketchup and ketchup-related products, and Mr. Holmvik’s “Uncle Ders’ Homestyle Catsup” is so good, we might have to change the name to “Heinze 58”. He’s impressed us as much as your sad attempts at playing businessman have made us laugh.
I’ve sent along some Heinz swag, you know, coloring books, stickers, and of course some ketchup, our basic “little kid writes his first letter to a business” package. That’s how I, the most important man in the ketchup business, view you. As a child who threw some red paint in a bowl and thought he could play ketchup czar.
If it’s not clear, you’re like a child to me. Your product is garbage. And Anders Holmvik is the type of person we want to be in business with; his is the ketchup we wish to launch 1000 ships behind.
Good day, sir, and any other letters you send us in the future will be tossed directly in our incinerator.
Adam’s getting all bent out of shape about the fact I tinkered with his sacred “recipe” for the 2nd batch of our ketchup enterprise on Sunday, so let me just lay out the facts for you, without the bias of his anger.
I ordered separate labels because we have separate varieties of the same product; but he won’t listen to reason, SURPRISE SURPRISE.
Brand identification. It’s what separates a dime store soda pop from the international powerhouse that is Coke-a-Cola. Does Coke just sell one kind of Coke? No, sir. Grabbing the market share in the ketchup game means providing options; now the Halmin Ketchup Collective (name I’m throwing around) has not just ONE brand to put on shelves; but TWO. TWICE as much awareness, product, and, eventually, profits. It’s simple economics.
NEW Coke worked to establish the Coke brand as something that changed with the times; ketchup’s been around forever, why is ours better? BECAUSE WE SAY IT IS.
By adding more paprika and a generous dashing of hot sauce, I took ‘Chef DeMamp’s Gourmet Ketchup’ and made it bolder, tangier, and most of all, sellable. Uncle Ders’ Homestyle Catsup doesn’t complete a hamburger; it RE-defines it.
So Adam, be upset that I didn’t make what you wanted; but understand that I made something BETTER. For the both of us. If you insist on sticking to the flawed roll out of one ketchup, then we should only put forth our best effort.
Got into a fight with Adam last night, won’t bother you with the details, but the short story is I missed all of Monday Night Football. I had the Ravens as my Ryan Lochte of the Week, so I thought money in the bank, right?
Wrong. The Ravens went belly up and somehow lost to the Jags OUTRIGHT. Fucks my week straight up the back-door. I was really counting on that money (entertainment purposes purely hypothetical, no chop) to help cover the cost of the ketchup labels I custom ordered.
Now Adam won’t pay his half… you know what, just gonna talk to him, that’s how we resolved our last conflict, and I’m sure it will be fine after a chat between gentleman.
One of my worst gym fears was realized this morning - I fell off the treadmill. I’ve seen it happen a few times and I’ve always had to look away because I was laughing so hard. Today I was not laughing.
I wanted to do some light cardio before hitting the weights, but I was feeling so good that I decided to just go all out and run for 20 minutes. They were playing Cheers on TV (the episode where Cliff goes on Jeopardy) and I was getting really into it and then I stopped for a second to get a drink and wipe some sweat out of my eyes. I guess I forgot the treadmill was going so fast because when I stepped back on it I did it as if I was walking. Needless to say I fell on my face.
I wish I could say there weren’t any cute girls there, but the reality of the situation is that there were several. They all saw it happen and one of them even helped me up. It was really humiliating.
Not sure what I’m gonna do now. Might have to switch gyms. Or at least wait a few weeks before I show my face there again.
My trip to the symphony was not nearly as awesome as I imagined it would be. In fact, it sucked pretty goddamn hard. First Adam and Blake bail on me at the last minute because they’d rather go see Drive again. Now I’m stuck with two extra tickets and in the hole for $65 dollars.
Traffic was horrendous getting to the concert hall, so I didn’t even have time to get dinner (luckily I had a Luna bar in my briefcase). After I parked and walked up to the lobby I tried scalping my extra tickets and I guess that’s illegal or something because not one, but TWO security guards got up in my face and told me I had to leave or they’d call the police. I tried to reason with them and tell them that I’d just go see the symphony, but they weren’t having any of it.
So, not only was I not able to sell the two extra tickets, I didn’t even get to see the show.
Instead I ended up going to this Brazilian restaurant that I read about online, which actually turned out to be pretty amazing. Seeing my outfit, the waitress asked me if I had gone to the symphony that night and I just lied and said that I did because I didn’t want to get into the details and have to re - live that ordeal.
I’m really pissed at Blake and Adam. I blame them for ruining this for me.
So f’ing pumped for the symphony tonight. There’s going to be a guy playing the electric cello AND Dudamel is conducting Prokofiev’s fifth symphony. Should be fucking amazing.
Adam and Blake are even excited to go (at least they seem excited). Gonna leave work early so we can get there in time for a quick bite and a cocktail. Also very excited to wear the blazer my parents got me last Christmas. Nice to have an occasion to wear it. Probably not going to wear a tie though. Don’t want to look like a doofus.
The printer is on the fritz today so Jillian had to write out all of our leads by hand. Then she ran out of pens so she asked me if it was okay if she wrote my leads with a pink highlighter. I said yes thinking it wouldn’t be a big deal, but it turned out to be a pretty big deal because the ink is making my eyes hurt and I’m getting a headache.
This is sort of my fault, but mostly Jillian’s for not being prepared. That being said, I’m trying not to get too worked up because I want to be able to enjoy the symphony tonight and not focusing on how Jillian f’d up my entire day.
Must be because they’re locked up in labor talks at the moment, and want to keep their negotiating knifes sharp. Confident those talks will crumble, and then they’ll probably contact me about dates and numbers.
Plenty of tickets still available for pre-order, get ‘em before we book an arena that’s too small to fit the demand!
Jackpot! Just scored a Groupon deal for tickets to the Los Angeles Philharmonic. I’ve wanted to go for a long time, not only because the building is so cool, but the conductor (Gustavo Dudamel) is a total boss and really young (30, I think). I got 3 tickets for 75% off (yes, you read that right) for this Thursday night. I’m not sure what the show is yet, but I’m sure it’s awesome.
I know the guys will be into this and it will be nice to do something classy for once on a Thursday night instead of going to Arturo’s and watching Adam do the burrito challenge for the 50th time.
Hey, that was kind of harsh... Some of us are paying for college with loans or scholarships...
Then you should hate that free-loading flu shot-getter just as much as I do.
The Ders Report respect the working student, and supports the scholarship system. TheHIP-Tourney plans to donate a small amount of it’s high profits to a scholarship of some kind. Most likely, essay contest for future leaders of international sports and business.
It’s been brought to my attention (by the show Frontline) that there are people out there who are anti - vaccine and who believe that vaccines cause autism and other disorders. This is total propaganda and scientists have never found a link between vaccines and autism or anything else.
Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy (pictured above) need to use their celebrity for the good of the public and NOT for spreading propaganda.
—about playing in the inaugural HOLMVIK INTERNATIONAL PLAYAS TOURNAMENT!
The HIPT (or, "Hip T" as it should be known on the street) gives locked out NBA players a chance to showcase their skills for the international pro basketball market.
We’re looking to field anywhere from 16, to 32, to 68 (play in games!) teams. Teams should be a standard 5, you go as deep on the bench as you want, but remember; no one buys a ticket to see a 6th man.
Rules will be standard, with a few tweaks meant to bring the jaded audience back; Rock-n-Jock 10 point shot will be in effect, half court shots count for 20, and fouls will be called prison yard style. Some of you will know how that works, others will pick it up on the fly.
All European, Chinese, and “other” (crazed billionaires, Bill Simmons) professional representatives will be invited (comped tickets) to view the games, scout talent, and sign whomever impresses them the most to lucrative, tax-free deals. Kobe, Dwight, Melo, Lebron, Lebron’s teammates… you can’t NOT afford to play in this tourney. Your very livelihood DEPENDS on it.
For just a small percentage of your future earnings, Anders Holmvik and Holmvik International Sports Management will logistically take care of you, homie!
Gonna take Blake and Adam with me to Walgreens after work today so we can all get flu shots. I get mine every October 17th and this year I’m making them do it so that come flu season our house isn’t a cesspool of germs and sickness.
I think that people who avoid getting flu shots or vaccinations (for themselves or their children) are irresponsible and delusional (more on this later). I also need to remember to buy contact lens solution while I’m at Walgreens.
Well, went .500. Turkey on wheat bread. Right down the fairway.
But what’s important is that my two highest-confidence picks WON.
World Champ Packers, Lochte of the Week on the Raiders, and we’re back in the black. So if you only trusted me at my best, like I do, you won big $$$ this weekend. Or were highly entertained, since gambling outside of certain pre-approved areas is illegal, and The Ders Report does not encourage illegal activity. (WINK!)
I clearly overestimated my “animal fighting” strategy for picking (or underestimated the fight a Panther or Lion would have against a Falcon and 49’ers, respectively), and I will NOT make that mistake again.
I found this “Spagett” poster at the comic book store near our house and scooped it up right away. Not sure if this is a poster for a new Steven Spielberg movie or an old one that got shelved or something, but either way it has to be a collector’s item. The clerk at the store kept laughing and asking me if I was a Spagett fan, and he even said “spooked ya” when he handed me my change. Not sure what was wrong with him.
One thing’s for sure, The Anders Holmvik Trust For The Advancement Of Arts And Culture is growing by leaps and bounds.
Going to do a quick Google search of Spagett when I get home and see what exactly the deal is.
Really engrossed in the Kama Sutra and all it has shown me. I’ve learned a lot of exciting new positions and a surprising amount about ancient Hindu culture. There are also two fascinating sections about “acquiring a wife” and “the duties and privileges of marriage.” Granted, these were written in a very different era and don’t really apply anymore, there’s still some useful stuff about courtship.
My only fear is that Bunny thinks my whole Kama Sutra approach is creepy and too forward. But my motto with love is: go big or go home. I really believe that she will be so charmed and swept off her feet by all I’ve learned from this Indian love manual that any tension we might have will just dissolve and our spirits will align on the plane of love and sensuality. And after that, it’s game over.
I’ve always thought modeling was easy because babies could do it, but now I know why they excel at it; they don’t have to deal with the business side of things.
Three voicemails from Kyle Walsh last night, looking to see if I wanted to come in for some new headshots/body shots/free nude modeling seminar. I wasn’t born yesterday, I know this is how they get you; give you the first taste of success for free, then when the work dries up (or in my case, you quit modeling) they try to cash in on your naiveté by selling useless accessories as “essential”. Not on my watch, Walsh.
Gonna call Kyle back at lunch and break the news that I’m retired. Unless he has a national ad campaign at the ready, that’ll be the end of that chapter in my life.
Had to swing by the mall to pick up my laptop, which needed a really thorough cleaning after Adam defiled it (still can’t believe he did that. What a sick fuck). Anyway, not only do I have my laptop back, but I also came across The Kama Sutra (pictured up top) and decided to purchase a copy in anticipation for what might play out with Bunny - the young lady who poked me on Facebook yesterday.
I have always understood the importance of foreplay and sensuality, but it’s been a little while since I’ve been able to put my ideas to use. This way I get a nice little refresher and I’ll undoubtedly learn some new techniques and perhaps gain a deeper understanding of the connection between sexuality and spirituality; which will undoubtedly turn Bunny on big time.
One thing’s for sure, I need to keep this book far out of Adam’s reach, lest he do to it what he did to my computer.
Bunny Anderson, a very special lady from my past just poked me on Facebook. No big deal. She also sent me a message where she wrote that she wants to “reconnect.” Obviously I’m freaking out right now.
We never dated, per se, but we always were totally into each other and it was one of those things where we were never single at the same time. More specifically, I was usually single, but too busy with swimming or something else to ever make the relationship work (and she always had a boyfriend).
Either way, that’s all in the past and now that we’re both adults there will be no limitations on what could very well be a great and wondrous love.
I have to admit, I came out strong against Zooey Deschanel and her new show, NEW GIRL, which had an ad campaign based on the phrase “SIMPLY ADORKABLE”.
After hearing Jillian claim it was her favorite new non-hillbilly fishing show, I decided to give it an honest, 22 minute (DVR’d, skipping commercials) audition.
I watched last week’s offering, “The Wedding”, and guys… she IS adorkable. I didn’t know what that was in the campaign, but seeing it, I gotta say, I’m pro-adorkable. And, to be clear, I’m going with the definition that adorkable means “dork girl you want to have sex with”. I don’t find her charming, lovable, or re-watchable, but I would dork her silly.
I guess she also provides a strong female protagonist for young girls to look up to, so there’s that along with me wanting to have sex with her.
I just want to use this post to scold and shame Adam for “ruining” (and that’s a euphemism) my laptop and forcing me to get it professionally cleaned and re - booted; which was not cheap.
Adam, next time you want to check out whaletails.com or one of the many other weird niche adult sites you forgot to clear from my history, at the very least do it on your own computer or don’t make a mess all over my keyboard.
I can’t believe I even have to tell you this. I’m so embarrassed for you and what a disgusting slob you’ve become. I may very well have peed on your sheets, but this is way, way more disgusting.
Really liked your list, Adam. Let me make a few changes to more accurately reflect who you could actually beat up.
Football Players Adam Can Beat Up:
There. That’s more accurate.
You see, Adam. These men are professional athletes whose job requires them to be in top physical shape. Not only are they required to do strength and endurance training, but you have to be pretty tough in general to play professional football.
I would LOVE to see you try to beat one of these guys up, so let me know if you’re ever planning on fighting Tim Tebow so I can show up and film it.
Also, that totally was Norv Turner who pwned you at Best Buy.
Trying to land one more big sale before lunch, which some would say is pressing but I look at as a habit of a top 5 salesman, and I got a flusher.
For those not in the game, “a flusher” is someone who answers the phone while they’re on the toilet, and you don’t know it until you hear them flush.
It’s completely inappropriate, disrespectful, and almost never leads to a sale. I wish I could tell you this wasn’t one of those times, but the flush took me out of my rhythm and I crapped out. Pun intended.
Gonna clear my head at lunch and come back strong (which is another habit of a top 5 salesman).
Football is a full contact sport. I get it. What I don’t get is when football players run into people on the sidelines and knock them over (refs, photographers, cheerleaders, etc.) why don’t they ever help them up or at least check to see if they are OK?
Is there some rule that you aren’t allowed to stop and be a decent human being and make sure that the (often much smaller) person you just bulldozed doesn’t have any broken bones or a concussion?
I’m not saying that the players have to make any kind of grand, elaborate apology when this happens, but at least acknowledge that you injured someone and help them up. Is that so hard?
Tiger Woods continued his climb back to the top this weekend with an impressive 38th place finish at the Frys.com Open. Tiger’s short game was much more consistent than we’ve seen in the past year and I think one or two more tournaments and he’ll be right back on top where he belongs.
However, it wasn’t all smiles and sunshine for Woods, as a deranged fan threw a hot dog at him while he was putting on the 7th hole. Said Woods:
I could hear the security behind me. I was still bent over my putt. And when I looked up (the hot dog) was already in the air.
”— Tiger Woods
Tiger has been through a lot of crap in the past two years. The last thing he needs is some borderline terrorist throwing a hot dog at him. Luckily the guy was arrested and frankly I hope they take him straight to Guantanamo Bay and waterboard the hell out of him.
Rough week gang. I hope you played for entertainment purposes only, because, if you didn’t, chances are the rent check might bounce. If you own, at least you can borrow against your home equity until things turn around, but, I, I need to get better. It’s not all my fault, though, and it wasn’t ALL BAD.
The good: The Green Bay Packers are the World Champs, proved it to the ATLANTA FALCONS, and still haven’t lost since they won the title. Oh, did I mention they covered the spread? I’ll be picking them every week from here on out, so adjust your “entertainment” budget accordingly.
Then, the bad: The INDIANAPOLIS COLTS lost to what I called the “hapless” Kansas City Chiefs. Looks like I’m the hapless one. Me, or the Indy defense. Checked my watch this morning, and it said it was time to FIRE THE COLTS COACH.
MINNESOTA VIKINGS staved off my upset alert against the Arizona Cardinals, and hometown boy Larry Fitzgerald made NO IMPACT WHATSOEVER. If Mr. Fitzgerald is looking for representation in the future, maybe he should make more of an impact ON THE FIELD.
AND THE WORST!: My highly successful Ryan Lochte of the Week… proved never successful when your take a crap team like the New York Giants at home. Eli Manning has been called a mouth breather, which I won’t call him here just to take a cheap shot. But I won’t refute it.
Deep breath. A loser makes mistakes, but a winner learns from them. I’m a winner. You can be too. Why?
I GUARANTEED a 3-1 record against the spread this week. Maybe I’m guarantee dyslexic (1-3). Maybe… maybe I meant THIS WEEK. See you Thursday, kids, when I’ll debut my brand new picks system. The kinks have been worked out, and I’m ready to make it profitable.