Another year, another Halloween where teenagers smash our pumpkins. Luckily I didn’t take the time to carve a jack o’ lantern this year (learned that the hard way). I’m pretty sure this was the work of the little shits who defiled our dragon statue. What is it about Halloween that makes kids want to destroy things and raise hell? Maybe it’s all the sugar.
This phrase gained popularity a few years back after appearing in a pretty hilarious Washington Mutual commercial (seen here). Unfortunately, like they do with every funny catchphrase, people went way overboard with this one and just started saying it whenever they did anything (whether they “nailed it” or not).
Why is it that when someone in a movie or a TV show says a funny line people think that they’ll be just as funny when they repeat it? It’s time to start getting creative and thinking of your own jokes. That’s my two cents.
Certain people here (Adam, Montez, Jet Set) have been saying that I didn’t deserve to win employee of the month and that Alice only gave it to me to shut me up so I wouldn’t go to the higher - ups regarding the disgusting leaking ceiling and my possible contamination from said ceiling.
Even though Montez had more sales than I did and Alice repeatedly told us she’d never pick an employee of the month again, I still sincerely believe that Alice finally recognized the tremendous impact I have made at TAC and she knows how much I mean to this company.
So to all the haters at TelAmeriCorp. I won this on merit! Deal with it.
I didn’t want it to be this way, but I am guaranteed a safe working environment BY LAW. NO STEPS have been made to even empty the toxic-piss-carceginic garbage can since yesterday, and while the leak has run dry, THIS—
…is NOT a safe working environment.
I’ve made a call to my legal representation, and they’ve told me I have a strong case against TelAmeriCorp and it’s subsidiaries. I plan to offer my co-workers a chance to join up with me in a class action lawsuit against our employers.
Don’t be surprised if my internet is disabled and my tumblr hacked to keep these incriminating images from the public. Spread the word. We will NOT let big business take advantage of us!
After Alice said it “wasn’t my problem” I went to take more pics to document the disgusting, leaking hallway and something from the ceiling leaked on me. I have no idea what it could be, but judging by how “modern” and “clean” (sarcasm) our office is I’m guessing that it’s toxic waste of some kind.
Now I have no option but to go to the hospital and get a tetanus shot. The whole flu shot idea worked out pretty well for me, so I think a tetanus shot is the safe, appropriate thing to do in this situation.
I also plan on sticking TelAmeriCorp with the bill for the tetanus shot. Jerks.
The whole “selling our Catsup at the farmers’ market” thing didn’t happen as planned. We were totally going to do it, but I had to go to the mall to buy sunglasses and Adam wanted to go to Sport Chalet so he could buy Quench Gum and lock down his Halloween costume.
We’re still going to team up and dominate the Catsup market. Might just have to wait until next weekend.
My Dad says, ”Lie in the bed you make, and always make your bed.” I know what father means, now, after going 0-4 in my Ders’ Picks.
I’ve been struggling with what to say, so sorry this is up late, but it’s time to face the music and own up to my mistakes. Sure, the bad picks could be all my fault, but before you judge here’s some lessons I’ve learned that will ensure I never do this again:
-Never hastily make picks while in the middle of a ketchup war with a co-worker.
-If you have a wad of cash burning a hole in your pocket after selling ketchup to your co-workers, don’t bet it all on a 4 team parlay of your hastily thrown together picks.
-Montez saying “it’s a lock” = STAY AWAY.
-Never make your hastily selected picks FOUR GUARANTEES. Ryan Lochte’s name deserves better, and I’ve dragged it through the mud. Not sure how we’re going to recover, but I think the Ryan Lochte of the Week just drowned in the warmup pool.
-Never select your picks hastily.
Gambling, or entertaining yourself, without betting money, because gambling is illegal and The Ders Report plays by the rules, is a tough business. Remember that.
There were 5 other dudes as "Nameless Driver"/Ryan Gosling from Drive at the Halloween party Saturday night, and even if my version was the most true to the character, the guy who had the actual jacket got the most attention.
People ragged on me for not having the gloves, or a hammer, and wearing a windbreaker with a scorpion picture stapled on the back, but NO ONE ELSE HAD A TOOTHPICK! That was his main accessory! He used it like a dog uses his tail, still when calm, and active when ready to strike. No one appreciated the subtly, but the dregs we hang out with rarely do.
I should have just gone as “drunk idiot”, I would have fit in just fine at that stupid party. Those morons probably think Drive is a The Fast & The The Furious spin off.
Got this for Adam as a joke (after all the ketchup - related drama). He thought it was funny and he was nice enough to share it with me. I have to say that I was a little overwhelmed with it at first. It was very powerful and hoppy, but after a few sips I really started to enjoy its complex flavor.
I think I also really liked it because I was drinking it with Adam and we were just having a good time. It’s funny how food and drinks taste better if you’re consuming them while you’re in a good mood. I guess that makes a lot of sense, because I remember once we got In ‘n Out for lunch, but had to eat it in the car, but I couldn’t enjoy it because I was too worried about someone spilling food.
That guy from Parks & Recreation, with the ‘stache? Jon Swanson, I think? YOU’RE SO ORIGINAL.
Clark Kent with Superman’s Cape poking out? Black Eyed P? Pirate/Vampire? IF YOU THINK YOU’RE TOO CLEVER FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, YOU. ARE. NOT.
Zombie (Noun)? (Sexy Verb) Vocation? Slutty Anything? DIE SLOW. YESTERDAY.
Osama Been Gotten? KILL YOURSELF.
Halloween used to be a great stage for creative people to test the boundaries of their imagination. Now, it’s a theme party mixer for the lowest common denominator. I’ll say what everyone’s thinking, for all your jello shots and fake cobwebs, your giant beer bottle costume can’t hide the fact that your next original thought will be your FIRST.
I know some of you are saying, "Oh, Ders, it’s easy to cast stones when you’re not telling us what you’re going as this year." You have a point, and while I detest pre-announcing my costume choice, I’ll do it here as an example of a costume that sets itself above the masses in 2011:
I’m going as Ryan Gosling from Drive. Just need to find a scorpion jacket, got a good lead on one at the thrift store I’m checking out Saturday morning. Already have the toothpick.
Why R.G. from D? Simple; I have a sense of originality and beat to my own drum. I wish some of you Halloween sheep could join in… but you’re too busy being the reason Europe hates us.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! YES! Sold all 12 bottles of Uncle Ders’ Homestyle Catsup (no surprise), just shocked at how quickly it happened. Kind of wish Adam had passed out a little earlier and not wasted the other 12 bottles on his shitty ketchup. Oh well. Gonna celebrate tonight by making burgers topped with, you guessed it, Uncle Ders’ Hometsyle Catsup. If Adam doesn’t want one then he can eat cereal or something. I don’t even care.
Very surprised at the latest letter I’ve received for Adam. Can’t believe he had time to write, with his busy schedule preparing for the Detroit Lions Defense on Sunday.
Yep, TIM TEBOW just sent a letter to Adam, allow me to share:
ATTN: ADAM DEMAMP
Been hearing you run your mouth about how you can kicks my ass. Well why don’t you fly out to Denver, come to the Broncos practice facility, and try me, slapnuts? I bet my Heisman Trophy I’ll hit you so hard your dog’ll turn retarded.
You called out the thunder, well get ready to taste my holy lightning because I’ve looked over my O-Line at the Auburn Defense, what the fuck do you think scares me about you? I’ll answer for you, NOTHING. I’ve never had sex before but I know I’LL FUCK YOU UP, punchy.
I’ll fully reimburse you for your airfare to Denver to get your shit destroyed, and while I’m speaking of bad news, know that I just signed to be the official spokesman of Uncle Ders’ Homestyle Catsup. It tastes great, is well marketed, and that Ders Holmvik is the type of guy I also want to sign with for professional sports representation.
Hey, Holmvik International Sports Management is ANOTHER company he started, so he’s got 2 successful businesses to your GOOSE EGG?
Pray to God you don’t die when I spike your head off the concrete, because sounds like you’re looking at an eternity of FAILURE.
Your Brother in Christ, Tim Tebow Professional QB Spokesman, Uncle Ders’ Homestyle Catsup
Hey, Adam, first of all, it’s spelled “Buffett”, but I’m sure Mr. Buffett was so busy trying to tell me how bad I was at business that he spelled his own name wrong.
While you were busy posting that letter, this e-mail must’ve been sent to me by mistake…
I’m writing you from the production office of Transformers 4, Rise of Galvatron. It’s going really well. I already invited Ders to come to set and give me some pointers and maybe even have a cameo, but he’s pretty busy being a corporate juggernaut so I’m not sure if he’ll be able to do it.
We’ve had a few meetings about me directing the commercial for Uncle Ders’ Homestyle Catsup. I really hope he lets me do it. It would be such an honor. Also, I am trying to set him up with Megan Fox. They would be such a perfect couple.
One thing’s for sure, I will never, ever direct a commercial for Chef DeMamp’s Gourmet Ketchup. It would tarnish my reputation, my brand, and my soul. I only lend my name and talent to projects that are perfect— like most things Ders touches.
Kiss My Ass,
He’s also the director of THE ROCK and ARMAGEDDON. Guy knows what he’s talking about, and he pretty much runs Hollywood. Hate to be on his bad side, like Adam…
This is odd, but the mail just came in early. I got a letter addressed to Adam while he was busy not working; it was half open, so I pulled this out (not illegally opening it) and found the following—
Dear Mr. DeMamp,
William R. Johnson, here. Yes, the Chairman, President, and CEO of the HJ Heinz company; we define ketchup products and the condiment game here at our Pittsburgh HQ. Just taking a break from an incredibly professional product pitch from Anders T. Holmvik to formally inform you that we are not interested in acquiring your ketchup product at this time. Heinz 57, heard of it? If you’ve even smelled a ketchup before, chances are you have. The 57 stands for 57(!) varieties of ketchup and ketchup-related products, and Mr. Holmvik’s “Uncle Ders’ Homestyle Catsup” is so good, we might have to change the name to “Heinze 58”. He’s impressed us as much as your sad attempts at playing businessman have made us laugh.
I’ve sent along some Heinz swag, you know, coloring books, stickers, and of course some ketchup, our basic “little kid writes his first letter to a business” package. That’s how I, the most important man in the ketchup business, view you. As a child who threw some red paint in a bowl and thought he could play ketchup czar.
If it’s not clear, you’re like a child to me. Your product is garbage. And Anders Holmvik is the type of person we want to be in business with; his is the ketchup we wish to launch 1000 ships behind.
Good day, sir, and any other letters you send us in the future will be tossed directly in our incinerator.
Adam’s getting all bent out of shape about the fact I tinkered with his sacred “recipe” for the 2nd batch of our ketchup enterprise on Sunday, so let me just lay out the facts for you, without the bias of his anger.
I ordered separate labels because we have separate varieties of the same product; but he won’t listen to reason, SURPRISE SURPRISE.
Brand identification. It’s what separates a dime store soda pop from the international powerhouse that is Coke-a-Cola. Does Coke just sell one kind of Coke? No, sir. Grabbing the market share in the ketchup game means providing options; now the Halmin Ketchup Collective (name I’m throwing around) has not just ONE brand to put on shelves; but TWO. TWICE as much awareness, product, and, eventually, profits. It’s simple economics.
NEW Coke worked to establish the Coke brand as something that changed with the times; ketchup’s been around forever, why is ours better? BECAUSE WE SAY IT IS.
By adding more paprika and a generous dashing of hot sauce, I took ‘Chef DeMamp’s Gourmet Ketchup’ and made it bolder, tangier, and most of all, sellable. Uncle Ders’ Homestyle Catsup doesn’t complete a hamburger; it RE-defines it.
So Adam, be upset that I didn’t make what you wanted; but understand that I made something BETTER. For the both of us. If you insist on sticking to the flawed roll out of one ketchup, then we should only put forth our best effort.
Got into a fight with Adam last night, won’t bother you with the details, but the short story is I missed all of Monday Night Football. I had the Ravens as my Ryan Lochte of the Week, so I thought money in the bank, right?
Wrong. The Ravens went belly up and somehow lost to the Jags OUTRIGHT. Fucks my week straight up the back-door. I was really counting on that money (entertainment purposes purely hypothetical, no chop) to help cover the cost of the ketchup labels I custom ordered.
Now Adam won’t pay his half… you know what, just gonna talk to him, that’s how we resolved our last conflict, and I’m sure it will be fine after a chat between gentleman.
One of my worst gym fears was realized this morning - I fell off the treadmill. I’ve seen it happen a few times and I’ve always had to look away because I was laughing so hard. Today I was not laughing.
I wanted to do some light cardio before hitting the weights, but I was feeling so good that I decided to just go all out and run for 20 minutes. They were playing Cheers on TV (the episode where Cliff goes on Jeopardy) and I was getting really into it and then I stopped for a second to get a drink and wipe some sweat out of my eyes. I guess I forgot the treadmill was going so fast because when I stepped back on it I did it as if I was walking. Needless to say I fell on my face.
I wish I could say there weren’t any cute girls there, but the reality of the situation is that there were several. They all saw it happen and one of them even helped me up. It was really humiliating.
Not sure what I’m gonna do now. Might have to switch gyms. Or at least wait a few weeks before I show my face there again.
My trip to the symphony was not nearly as awesome as I imagined it would be. In fact, it sucked pretty goddamn hard. First Adam and Blake bail on me at the last minute because they’d rather go see Drive again. Now I’m stuck with two extra tickets and in the hole for $65 dollars.
Traffic was horrendous getting to the concert hall, so I didn’t even have time to get dinner (luckily I had a Luna bar in my briefcase). After I parked and walked up to the lobby I tried scalping my extra tickets and I guess that’s illegal or something because not one, but TWO security guards got up in my face and told me I had to leave or they’d call the police. I tried to reason with them and tell them that I’d just go see the symphony, but they weren’t having any of it.
So, not only was I not able to sell the two extra tickets, I didn’t even get to see the show.
Instead I ended up going to this Brazilian restaurant that I read about online, which actually turned out to be pretty amazing. Seeing my outfit, the waitress asked me if I had gone to the symphony that night and I just lied and said that I did because I didn’t want to get into the details and have to re - live that ordeal.
I’m really pissed at Blake and Adam. I blame them for ruining this for me.
So f’ing pumped for the symphony tonight. There’s going to be a guy playing the electric cello AND Dudamel is conducting Prokofiev’s fifth symphony. Should be fucking amazing.
Adam and Blake are even excited to go (at least they seem excited). Gonna leave work early so we can get there in time for a quick bite and a cocktail. Also very excited to wear the blazer my parents got me last Christmas. Nice to have an occasion to wear it. Probably not going to wear a tie though. Don’t want to look like a doofus.
The printer is on the fritz today so Jillian had to write out all of our leads by hand. Then she ran out of pens so she asked me if it was okay if she wrote my leads with a pink highlighter. I said yes thinking it wouldn’t be a big deal, but it turned out to be a pretty big deal because the ink is making my eyes hurt and I’m getting a headache.
This is sort of my fault, but mostly Jillian’s for not being prepared. That being said, I’m trying not to get too worked up because I want to be able to enjoy the symphony tonight and not focusing on how Jillian f’d up my entire day.
Must be because they’re locked up in labor talks at the moment, and want to keep their negotiating knifes sharp. Confident those talks will crumble, and then they’ll probably contact me about dates and numbers.
Plenty of tickets still available for pre-order, get ‘em before we book an arena that’s too small to fit the demand!
Jackpot! Just scored a Groupon deal for tickets to the Los Angeles Philharmonic. I’ve wanted to go for a long time, not only because the building is so cool, but the conductor (Gustavo Dudamel) is a total boss and really young (30, I think). I got 3 tickets for 75% off (yes, you read that right) for this Thursday night. I’m not sure what the show is yet, but I’m sure it’s awesome.
I know the guys will be into this and it will be nice to do something classy for once on a Thursday night instead of going to Arturo’s and watching Adam do the burrito challenge for the 50th time.
Hey, that was kind of harsh... Some of us are paying for college with loans or scholarships...
Then you should hate that free-loading flu shot-getter just as much as I do.
The Ders Report respect the working student, and supports the scholarship system. TheHIP-Tourney plans to donate a small amount of it’s high profits to a scholarship of some kind. Most likely, essay contest for future leaders of international sports and business.
It’s been brought to my attention (by the show Frontline) that there are people out there who are anti - vaccine and who believe that vaccines cause autism and other disorders. This is total propaganda and scientists have never found a link between vaccines and autism or anything else.
Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy (pictured above) need to use their celebrity for the good of the public and NOT for spreading propaganda.
—about playing in the inaugural HOLMVIK INTERNATIONAL PLAYAS TOURNAMENT!
The HIPT (or, "Hip T" as it should be known on the street) gives locked out NBA players a chance to showcase their skills for the international pro basketball market.
We’re looking to field anywhere from 16, to 32, to 68 (play in games!) teams. Teams should be a standard 5, you go as deep on the bench as you want, but remember; no one buys a ticket to see a 6th man.
Rules will be standard, with a few tweaks meant to bring the jaded audience back; Rock-n-Jock 10 point shot will be in effect, half court shots count for 20, and fouls will be called prison yard style. Some of you will know how that works, others will pick it up on the fly.
All European, Chinese, and “other” (crazed billionaires, Bill Simmons) professional representatives will be invited (comped tickets) to view the games, scout talent, and sign whomever impresses them the most to lucrative, tax-free deals. Kobe, Dwight, Melo, Lebron, Lebron’s teammates… you can’t NOT afford to play in this tourney. Your very livelihood DEPENDS on it.
For just a small percentage of your future earnings, Anders Holmvik and Holmvik International Sports Management will logistically take care of you, homie!
Gonna take Blake and Adam with me to Walgreens after work today so we can all get flu shots. I get mine every October 17th and this year I’m making them do it so that come flu season our house isn’t a cesspool of germs and sickness.
I think that people who avoid getting flu shots or vaccinations (for themselves or their children) are irresponsible and delusional (more on this later). I also need to remember to buy contact lens solution while I’m at Walgreens.