The Ders Report

What talent.  Bet that pretty lady is enough to make a man forget about going 0-4 on his pick set last week.  I know it was for me.

After the jump be ready to meet her better half (and snag my Week 9 NFL Picks)!

Read More →

Another year, another Halloween where teenagers smash our pumpkins. Luckily I didn’t take the time to carve a jack o’ lantern this year (learned that the hard way). I’m pretty sure this was the work of the little shits who defiled our dragon statue. What is it about Halloween that makes kids want to destroy things and raise hell? Maybe it’s all the sugar.

This phrase gained popularity a few years back after appearing in a pretty hilarious Washington Mutual commercial (seen here). Unfortunately, like they do with every funny catchphrase, people went way overboard with this one and just started saying it whenever they did anything (whether they “nailed it” or not).

Why is it that when someone in a movie or a TV show says a funny line people think that they’ll be just as funny when they repeat it? It’s time to start getting creative and thinking of your own jokes. That’s my two cents.

Certain people here (Adam, Montez, Jet Set) have been saying that I didn’t deserve to win employee of the month and that Alice only gave it to me to shut me up so I wouldn’t go to the higher - ups regarding the disgusting leaking ceiling and my possible contamination from said ceiling. 

Even though Montez had more sales than I did and Alice repeatedly told us she’d never pick an employee of the month again, I still sincerely believe that Alice finally recognized the tremendous impact I have made at TAC and she knows how much I mean to this company.

So to all the haters at TelAmeriCorp. I won this on merit! Deal with it.

I didn’t want it to be this way, but I am guaranteed a safe working environment BY LAW.  NO STEPS have been made to even empty the toxic-piss-carceginic garbage can since yesterday, and while the leak has run dry, THIS—

…is NOT a safe working environment.

I’ve made a call to my legal representation, and they’ve told me I have a strong case against TelAmeriCorp and it’s subsidiaries.  I plan to offer my co-workers a chance to join up with me in a class action lawsuit against our employers.

Don’t be surprised if my internet is disabled and my tumblr hacked to keep these incriminating images from the public.  Spread the word.  We will NOT let big business take advantage of us!

After Alice said it “wasn’t my problem” I went to take more pics to document the disgusting, leaking hallway and something from the ceiling leaked on me. I have no idea what it could be, but judging by how “modern” and “clean” (sarcasm) our office is I’m guessing that it’s toxic waste of some kind.

Now I have no option but to go to the hospital and get a tetanus shot. The whole flu shot idea worked out pretty well for me, so I think a tetanus shot is the safe, appropriate thing to do in this situation.

I also plan on sticking TelAmeriCorp with the bill for the tetanus shot. Jerks.

The whole “selling our Catsup at the farmers’ market” thing didn’t happen as planned. We were totally going to do it, but I had to go to the mall to buy sunglasses and Adam wanted to go to Sport Chalet so he could buy Quench Gum and lock down his Halloween costume. 

We’re still going to team up and dominate the Catsup market. Might just have to wait until next weekend. 

I’ve been struggling with what to say, so sorry this is up late, but it’s time to face the music and own up to my mistakes.  Sure, the bad picks could be all my fault, but before you judge here’s some lessons I’ve learned that will ensure I never do this again:

-Never hastily make picks while in the middle of a ketchup war with a co-worker.

-If you have a wad of cash burning a hole in your pocket after selling ketchup to your co-workers, don’t bet it all on a 4 team parlay of your hastily thrown together picks.  

-Montez saying “it’s a lock” = STAY AWAY.

-Never make your hastily selected picks FOUR GUARANTEES.  Ryan Lochte’s name deserves better, and I’ve dragged it through the mud.  Not sure how we’re going to recover, but I think the Ryan Lochte of the Week just drowned in the warmup pool.

-Never select your picks hastily.

Gambling, or entertaining yourself, without betting money, because gambling is illegal and The Ders Report plays by the rules, is a tough business.  Remember that.

• Last Week - 0-4
• Against the Spread (Season) - 12-18-2
• Straight Up (Season) - 18-14

There were 5 other dudes as “Nameless Driver”/Ryan Gosling from Drive at the Halloween party Saturday night, and even if my version was the most true to the character, the guy who had the actual jacket got the most attention.

People ragged on me for not having the gloves, or a hammer, and wearing a windbreaker with a scorpion picture stapled on the back, but NO ONE ELSE HAD A TOOTHPICK!  That was his main accessory!  He used it like a dog uses his tail, still when calm, and active when ready to strike.  No one appreciated the subtly, but the dregs we hang out with rarely do.

I should have just gone as “drunk idiot”, I would have fit in just fine at that stupid party.  Those morons probably think Drive is a The Fast & The The Furious spin off.

Got this for Adam as a joke (after all the ketchup - related drama). He thought it was funny and he was nice enough to share it with me. I have to say that I was a little overwhelmed with it at first. It was very powerful and hoppy, but after a few sips I really started to enjoy its complex flavor.

I think I also really liked it because I was drinking it with Adam and we were just having a good time. It’s funny how food and drinks taste better if you’re consuming them while you’re in a good mood. I guess that makes a lot of sense, because I remember once we got In ‘n Out for lunch, but had to eat it in the car, but I couldn’t enjoy it because I was too worried about someone spilling food. 

What’s everyone going as for Halloween this year?

Oh, were you going as Lady Gaga?  FUCK YOU.

Wait, you’re a guy going as Lady Gaga?  EAT SHIT.

That guy from Parks & Recreation, with the ‘stache?  Jon Swanson, I think?  YOU’RE SO ORIGINAL.

Clark Kent with Superman’s Cape poking out?  Black Eyed P?  Pirate/Vampire?  IF YOU THINK YOU’RE TOO CLEVER FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, YOU. ARE. NOT.

Zombie (Noun)? (Sexy Verb) Vocation?  Slutty Anything?  DIE SLOW.  YESTERDAY.

Osama Been Gotten?  KILL YOURSELF.

Halloween used to be a great stage for creative people to test the boundaries of their imagination.  Now, it’s a theme party mixer for the lowest common denominator.  I’ll say what everyone’s thinking, for all your jello shots and fake cobwebs, your giant beer bottle costume can’t hide the fact that your next original thought will be your FIRST.

I know some of you are saying, “Oh, Ders, it’s easy to cast stones when you’re not telling us what you’re going as this year.”  You have a point, and while I detest pre-announcing my costume choice, I’ll do it here as an example of a costume that sets itself above the masses in 2011:

I’m going as Ryan Gosling from Drive.  Just need to find a scorpion jacket, got a good lead on one at the thrift store I’m checking out Saturday morning.  Already have the toothpick. 

Why R.G. from D?  Simple; I have a sense of originality and beat to my own drum.  I wish some of you Halloween sheep could join in… but you’re too busy being the reason Europe hates us.

Happy Halloween, losers.

There’s a lady I wouldn’t mind reviewing my playbook with.  

Want that playbook to be leather-bound?  Then read on for my Week 8 Picks!!!

Read More →

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! YES! Sold all 12 bottles of Uncle Ders’ Homestyle Catsup (no surprise), just shocked at how quickly it happened. Kind of wish Adam had passed out a little earlier and not wasted the other 12 bottles on his shitty ketchup. Oh well. Gonna celebrate tonight by making burgers topped with, you guessed it, Uncle Ders’ Hometsyle Catsup. If Adam doesn’t want one then he can eat cereal or something. I don’t even care.