The Ders Report

Nov 25

The Ders Report, Signing Off…For Now

At the end of all the trash talk, the sabotage and the sex fueled debauchery, the score stands at Ders - 0, Adam - 0. A tie, a pathetic, celibate tie. In the words of Adam DeMamp, “We were going to give each other control of the other’s tumblr for 3 weeks, but that seemed pointless.  Blake correctly pointed out, the only right way to end this bet is for both of us to abandon our tumblr’s. Neither of us won, so both of us lost.

That’s it, folks.

I’ve had a great time writing the Ders report these past few months. I know you’ve come to rely on me for all things football, swimming, wine, fine food and Volvo - related, so I hope you’ll remember all the important things I’ve posted on here and really take them to heart.

I feel a lot like Seth in the first season finale of The OC when he gets on his boat and sails away from everything, except that I’m actually returning to my regular life where everything will be pretty much the same (minus The Ders Report for a few weeks), but the sentiment is similar.

Before I go I want to leave you with a few important tips that will help you become better people:

Take it sleazy (I know Adam says that, but I’ve wanted to use it for a while).

A “Sad Ending” Massage

Pretty sad day for old Anders Holmvik. I decided to get a massage (after a bunch of urging by Adam). I don’t normally like massages because I don’t like strangers touching my body in a semi - intimate way, but in the back of my mind I sort of figured that this might be an “intimate” massage (being that we’re at a sex resort and everything).

The massage started out innocently enough, but then the masseuse kept throwing out all these weird, confusing sexual signals (she even had sexy music playing) and I assumed she was waiting for me to make the first move…

Long story short, I made the first move and she made the last move. She screamed at me, slapped me and banned me from the massage area for the remainder of the trip. I’m pretty embarrassed, but I don’t think I’m entirely to blame for thinking that something sexy was supposed to happen. 

Still got a few hours to “win” the bet, so I better look for love somewhere away from the massage area (I actually have to, as I’ve been banned from there).

MISSING BLACK FRIDAY

One thing I’m going to miss by going on my private Thanksgiving vacation is ripping & tearing it up on Black Friday.  It’s the time to get the best deals, and better yet, MAKE the best deals.

I like to sprint inside a store, find the best deal, then hike the price up 25% in the parking lot and say I bought 2, but now “my friend” doesn’t need theirs— it’s the person’s lucky day (as long as they got cash).

I’ve found it works best with electronics and toys; you get the toy flush in the little brat’s face, and they’ll rip their parents shoulder out of the socket while they beg for them to buy it.  It’s the parent’s fault for not laying a stern line with their children; like with a forced sexual encounter, the kid needs to learn “No means No”.

Black Friday isn’t just about price gouging, though.  It was also the day my Dad would take my 2 brothers to play the “Holmvik Turkey Bowl”; 1 on 1 football, with my Dad as all time QB.  I thought I would get asked to play when I turned 10, but they never asked me, and when I finally asked at age 18, they told me “it would make the teams uneven.”  I said we could rotate a 3-way game, but my Dad said that sounded like some hippie football witch game and made me clean the gutters for suggesting it.  He was right to, who was I to mess with tradition?

So enjoy your Black Friday, however it is you spend it.

(This post was written & scheduled for posting on Tuesday, November 22nd; any changes in the news or social lives of the participants have not been accounted for)

Nov 24

Lady Prospects

Dear Dipshit (Adam),

Got myself three main prospects to get on the scoreboard of our Gentleman’s Competition while here on our vacation.  How many you have?  I know you struck out with the maid today, and really, Dipshit?  The maid?  Things must be pretty dry if you’re trolling the Strange River already…

In case you forgot how to pick up non-maid women, here are my prospects:

1) Raif.  Sexy bartender I met on my peace walk this morning.  She’s single, ready to mingle, and working the night shift… but not at the resort.  If you catch my drift.  Might as well notch the scored-board 1-0, Advantage Ders

2) Michelle.  You know how we think we’re the only people here under 55?  WRONG.  Met this bambina in a meet-cute right out of Zane’s Sex Chronicle.  She has my room number, but the number I have for her?  Involves sex, Dipshit.

3) Bunny.  Can you believe it?  My old flame Bunny Anderson is also spending her Thanksgiving on the island, at a separate resort.  She’s one tour bus, or strong kayak, ride away.  Buck Rogers’ Neighborhood.  3-0?

Now you have to ask yourself, Dipshit, are these girls real?  Are they even working/spending their Thanksgiving/passing by here?  I wouldn’t spend all this time writing this to give you false leads… or would I?

There’s only one way to find out, Dipshit.  I guess you’ll have to see for yourself.  Who knows what I’ll be seeing when you do.

-Anders Torphin Holmvik                                                                                                      Future Editor-in-Chief of Camp DeMamp

A Certain Wager

I don’t normally partake in bets where women are involved, (it’s pretty scummy and weird) but I decided to take part in this one with Adam because it meant that I’d get to take over his Tumblr (Camp DeMamp) for a few weeks, and that was just too sweet to pass up. 

I’d definitely do a TON of posts about current events, books and politics because nobody ever reads those and then people would complain to him that his Tumblr sucks (like they sometimes do to me).

Since I’m not going home for Thanksgiving this year, I’m going to miss out on all my usual family traditions.
The one I’m going to miss most is working with Mom in the kitchen, working from this ole’ Paula Deen bible to get the best meal possible on the table come Turkey Day.  
I often wish I could go on the Turkey Hunt with my Dad and two brothers, but my Dad says I’d just get in the way.  He’s right, too, since the first time I went I screamed for the turkeys to run away and we had to go to Denny’s because I didn’t know how to act like a man.
My brothers say that Dad is at his most loving during the Turkey Hunt, and I can understand how the thrill of the hunt would bring out a different side of him.  Maybe one year, when I’m old enough, I can show him I’m responsible enough now and show off my hunting skills (BOW AND ARROW, FTW) and kill a bigger turkey than him and cook it myself and eat it in his face.
But then Mom would have to make the sides by herself… maybe I should hold off on the bow hunt solo turkey run until I have kids of my own.
(This post was written & scheduled for posting on Tuesday, November 22nd; any changes in the news or social lives of the participants have not been accounted for)

Since I’m not going home for Thanksgiving this year, I’m going to miss out on all my usual family traditions.

The one I’m going to miss most is working with Mom in the kitchen, working from this ole’ Paula Deen bible to get the best meal possible on the table come Turkey Day.  

I often wish I could go on the Turkey Hunt with my Dad and two brothers, but my Dad says I’d just get in the way.  He’s right, too, since the first time I went I screamed for the turkeys to run away and we had to go to Denny’s because I didn’t know how to act like a man.

My brothers say that Dad is at his most loving during the Turkey Hunt, and I can understand how the thrill of the hunt would bring out a different side of him.  Maybe one year, when I’m old enough, I can show him I’m responsible enough now and show off my hunting skills (BOW AND ARROW, FTW) and kill a bigger turkey than him and cook it myself and eat it in his face.

But then Mom would have to make the sides by herself… maybe I should hold off on the bow hunt solo turkey run until I have kids of my own.

(This post was written & scheduled for posting on Tuesday, November 22nd; any changes in the news or social lives of the participants have not been accounted for)

Nov 23

TSA Airport Pat-down

Just went through security at the airport and got the standard TSA pat-down. A lot of people are complaining that these are intrusive and unnecessary, but I support them 100%. As long as the brave men an women of the Transportation Security Administration are keeping our skies safe then they have the right to occasionally touch a boob or brush against a guy’s junk.