The Ders Report

Nov 21

Ders’ Thoughts: Junk Mail

I hate junk mail. At least once a week I come home to a mailbox full of coupons for a bunch of stupid crap that I’ll never buy. Does anyone ever use these goddamn coupons? I guarantee most people take them and throw them in the trash (not the recycling). What these junk mail companies are doing is wasting paper, wasting my time and wasting the resources of our almost bankrupt US Postal Service. 

Just to clarify - I do still enjoy browsing the J Crew, Brooks Brothers and West Elm catalogs that I get in the mail.

Hanging ‘Em Up

I just don’t know anymore. 

1-3 against the spread?  Not even the WORLD CHAMP Green Bay Packers cover the spread against the hapless Bucs?  Eli Manning is driving to tie the game against the hapless Eagles, and GIVES the ball away???

Don’t even get me started on Tebow beating the Jets.  Adam’s started to worry that this Tebow thing is going to haunt him, and is waiting for Timbow to come have words.  Denver—> Rancho Cucamonga’s an easy flight, and Timmy’s got a score to settle with DeMamp.

Point is, I’m no gambling (entertainment purposes only) expert.  I’ve dipped into my safety zone for acceptable gambling losses after this week’s failure, and this is when I have to pull the plug, or risk becoming a degenerate like my cousin Todd.  And I’m not about to live in a trailer community and marry a girl like Kris Farnell.

So you’re on your own from here on out… just remember what I’ve taught you.  Always bet the defending World Champs (but watch out, they may screw you).  What animal would win in a mascot fight?  Does the opposing team need to bring a tank to win?  And most of all… bet big, or go home. 

And if you have a problem, seek help.

Nov 18

Dazed And Confused

Gonna re - watch Dazed and Confused tonight. We were talking about it at work today and figuring out who each of us would be in the movie. Adam picked McConaughey, Blake picked the girl with red hair and I picked the black guy (Melvin). Adam and Blake told me that I was definitely Affleck (which is ridiculous). Either way, I’m really psyched to watch it and prove to them that I’m more like the black guy than Ben Affleck.

Ben Affleck (whom I’m nothing like):

Here’s what I don’t get—
Marijuana is illegal in the U.S. (mostly).
High Times magazine is a marijuana enthusiast magazine.
The authorities continue to allow High Times to publish their magazine; sans arrests or sanctions.
If I started “Murder Magazine”, the official magazine for murder enthusiasts, wouldn’t they be on me like Nancy Pelosi on a reform bill?
I dedicate this post to my father, who told me when he learned of THE DERS REPORT that I better be using it for the discussion of important issues, and not “wasting people’s time with a bunch of who-cares wanks”.  Consider the conversation started, father, should you find the time to read this entry.

Here’s what I don’t get—

Marijuana is illegal in the U.S. (mostly).

High Times magazine is a marijuana enthusiast magazine.

The authorities continue to allow High Times to publish their magazine; sans arrests or sanctions.

If I started “Murder Magazine”, the official magazine for murder enthusiasts, wouldn’t they be on me like Nancy Pelosi on a reform bill?

I dedicate this post to my father, who told me when he learned of THE DERS REPORT that I better be using it for the discussion of important issues, and not “wasting people’s time with a bunch of who-cares wanks”.  Consider the conversation started, father, should you find the time to read this entry.

Something about a ‘Vo

Earlier this week, I spoke of a racist incident involving myself and another individual while I had the ‘Vo conservatively stopped at an intersection.  

(UPDATE: For completists, the guy was white, but I didn’t think that merited discussion; as for his ethnic background, he was very clearly Irish, and Adam’s “Wide Bitch” theory gains more steam every time I think about it)

Well, just now the oppo happened.  A very lovely lady pulled up aside us at traffic light, looked us over, and blew us a kiss.

Hot debate broke out over who she was blowing, but c’mon.  Unless there’s an infant in the back seat (Blake hardly qualifies), it’s universally understood that any blown kisses at an automobile are directed at the driver.  

First Cathy, now this rando stranger?  Gonna carry TWO condoms with me to the bars tonight.

Nov 17

Ders’ Picks - Week 11 (swag)

I’m back.  3-1 in Week 10?  Get at me.

Going to keep the free-flowing, fast-talking style that brought my swag back, no big intro, no big proclamation.  Just winning NFL football picks from the name you can trust.

(HOME TEAM IN CAPS/My swag picks in bold)

Start tonight, why not?  After taking Tebow last week just to piss off Adam, I’m going AGAINST Tebow this week just to show Adam my power.  Meaning?  New York Jets over the DENVER TEBOWS (+4.5).  Better call your bookie soon, this game kicks off in a matter of minutes.  Tell ‘em swag sent you.

It’s called NY, NY for a reason, since I’m also on the NEW YORK GIANTS (-3.5) to crush the always sunny Philadelphia Eagles.  Abandon swag, all who enter Philly, fans.

The CHICAGO BEARS (-3.5) Super Bowl shuffle their swag over the Sad Diego Chargers (not a typo).  

And finally, the WORLD CHAMPION GREEN BAY PACKERS (-14.5) over the Tampa Bay Bucaneers, because the champs are undefeated, swag-heavy, and this week?  Most likely?  So will I be.  Read the sentence again, it makes sense in context.

Cathy’s Engaged

Cathy, my co-worker who hit on me the other day is now engaged. Seems pretty suspicious that her fiance popped the question right after our little incident. I bet she told him about it and he got really worried and figured he had to lock her down before she hit on me again or possibly made out with me. I think she’s rushing into this and she obviously has feelings for me, but there’s still the (unlikely) possibility that she was telling the truth and wasn’t hitting on me. Either way, congrats on the engagement.