The Ders Report
Lady Prospects

Dear Dipshit (Adam),

Got myself three main prospects to get on the scoreboard of our Gentleman’s Competition while here on our vacation.  How many you have?  I know you struck out with the maid today, and really, Dipshit?  The maid?  Things must be pretty dry if you’re trolling the Strange River already…

In case you forgot how to pick up non-maid women, here are my prospects:

1) Raif.  Sexy bartender I met on my peace walk this morning.  She’s single, ready to mingle, and working the night shift… but not at the resort.  If you catch my drift.  Might as well notch the scored-board 1-0, Advantage Ders

2) Michelle.  You know how we think we’re the only people here under 55?  WRONG.  Met this bambina in a meet-cute right out of Zane’s Sex Chronicle.  She has my room number, but the number I have for her?  Involves sex, Dipshit.

3) Bunny.  Can you believe it?  My old flame Bunny Anderson is also spending her Thanksgiving on the island, at a separate resort.  She’s one tour bus, or strong kayak, ride away.  Buck Rogers’ Neighborhood.  3-0?

Now you have to ask yourself, Dipshit, are these girls real?  Are they even working/spending their Thanksgiving/passing by here?  I wouldn’t spend all this time writing this to give you false leads… or would I?

There’s only one way to find out, Dipshit.  I guess you’ll have to see for yourself.  Who knows what I’ll be seeing when you do.

-Anders Torphin Holmvik                                                                                                      Future Editor-in-Chief of Camp DeMamp

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