The Ders Report

The Ders Report, Signing Off...For Now

Fri, 25 Nov 2011 17:05:05 -0800

At the end of all the trash talk, the sabotage and the sex fueled debauchery, the score stands at Ders - 0, Adam - 0. A tie, a pathetic, celibate tie. In the words of Adam DeMamp, “We were going to give each other control of the other’s tumblr for 3 weeks, but that seemed pointless. Blake correctly pointed out, the only right way to end this bet is for both of us to abandon our tumblr’s. Neither of us won, so both of us lost.

That’s it, folks.

I’ve had a great time writing the Ders report these past few months. I know you’ve come to rely on me for all things football, swimming, wine, fine food and Volvo - related, so I hope you’ll remember all the important things I’ve posted on here and really take them to heart.

I feel a lot like Seth in the first season finale of The OC when he gets on his boat and sails away from everything, except that I’m actually returning to my regular life where everything will be pretty much the same (minus The Ders Report for a few weeks), but the sentiment is similar.

Before I go I want to leave you with a few important tips that will help you become better people:

Don’t say epic (in fact, don’t start using whatever the “phrase du jour” is. It’s lazy and it’s always funnier if you think of your own jokes rather than repeating something that’s been said a million times).
The world is a big, wonderful place. Challenge yourself by trying things you wouldn’t normally try (over the course of this Tumblr I tried PF Chang’s, prosciutto, craft beer). Broaden your horizons.
Watch The OC season 1 with your friends.
Don’t assume a massage will be anything more than a massage.
Spell check all tweets and Facebook posts before posting them.

Take it sleazy (I know Adam says that, but I’ve wanted to use it for a while).

A "Sad Ending" Massage

Fri, 25 Nov 2011 13:15:05 -0800

Pretty sad day for old Anders Holmvik. I decided to get a massage (after a bunch of urging by Adam). I don’t normally like massages because I don’t like strangers touching my body in a semi - intimate way, but in the back of my mind I sort of figured that this might be an “intimate” massage (being that we’re at a sex resort and everything).

The massage started out innocently enough, but then the masseuse kept throwing out all these weird, confusing sexual signals (she even had sexy music playing) and I assumed she was waiting for me to make the first move…

Long story short, I made the first move and she made the last move. She screamed at me, slapped me and banned me from the massage area for the remainder of the trip. I’m pretty embarrassed, but I don’t think I’m entirely to blame for thinking that something sexy was supposed to happen.

Still got a few hours to “win” the bet, so I better look for love somewhere away from the massage area (I actually have to, as I’ve been banned from there).

MISSING BLACK FRIDAY

Fri, 25 Nov 2011 09:45:06 -0800

One thing I’m going to miss by going on my private Thanksgiving vacation is ripping & tearing it up on Black Friday. It’s the time to get the best deals, and better yet, MAKE the best deals.

I like to sprint inside a store, find the best deal, then hike the price up 25% in the parking lot and say I bought 2, but now “my friend” doesn’t need theirs— it’s the person’s lucky day (as long as they got cash).

I’ve found it works best with electronics and toys; you get the toy flush in the little brat’s face, and they’ll rip their parents shoulder out of the socket while they beg for them to buy it. It’s the parent’s fault for not laying a stern line with their children; like with a forced sexual encounter, the kid needs to learn “No means No”.

Black Friday isn’t just about price gouging, though. It was also the day my Dad would take my 2 brothers to play the “Holmvik Turkey Bowl”; 1 on 1 football, with my Dad as all time QB. I thought I would get asked to play when I turned 10, but they never asked me, and when I finally asked at age 18, they told me “it would make the teams uneven.” I said we could rotate a 3-way game, but my Dad said that sounded like some hippie football witch game and made me clean the gutters for suggesting it. He was right to, who was I to mess with tradition?

So enjoy your Black Friday, however it is you spend it.

(This post was written & scheduled for posting on Tuesday, November 22nd; any changes in the news or social lives of the participants have not been accounted for)

Lady Prospects

Thu, 24 Nov 2011 19:50:06 -0800

Dear Dipshit (Adam),

Got myself three main prospects to get on the scoreboard of our Gentleman’s Competition while here on our vacation. How many you have? I know you struck out with the maid today, and really, Dipshit? The maid? Things must be pretty dry if you’re trolling the Strange River already…

In case you forgot how to pick up non-maid women, here are my prospects:

1) Raif. Sexy bartender I met on my peace walk this morning. She’s single, ready to mingle, and working the night shift… but not at the resort. If you catch my drift. Might as well notch the scored-board 1-0, Advantage Ders

2) Michelle. You know how we think we’re the only people here under 55? WRONG. Met this bambina in a meet-cute right out of Zane’s Sex Chronicle. She has my room number, but the number I have for her? Involves sex, Dipshit.

3) Bunny. Can you believe it? My old flame Bunny Anderson is also spending her Thanksgiving on the island, at a separate resort. She’s one tour bus, or strong kayak, ride away. Buck Rogers’ Neighborhood. 3-0?

Now you have to ask yourself, Dipshit, are these girls real? Are they even working/spending their Thanksgiving/passing by here? I wouldn’t spend all this time writing this to give you false leads… or would I?

There’s only one way to find out, Dipshit. I guess you’ll have to see for yourself. Who knows what I’ll be seeing when you do.

-Anders Torphin Holmvik Future Editor-in-Chief of Camp DeMamp

A Certain Wager

Thu, 24 Nov 2011 12:50:06 -0800

I don’t normally partake in bets where women are involved, (it’s pretty scummy and weird) but I decided to take part in this one with Adam because it meant that I’d get to take over his Tumblr (Camp DeMamp) for a few weeks, and that was just too sweet to pass up.

I’d definitely do a TON of posts about current events, books and politics because nobody ever reads those and then people would complain to him that his Tumblr sucks (like they sometimes do to me).

Since I’m not going home for Thanksgiving this year,...

Thu, 24 Nov 2011 10:45:05 -0800

Since I’m not going home for Thanksgiving this year, I’m going to miss out on all my usual family traditions.

The one I’m going to miss most is working with Mom in the kitchen, working from this ole’ Paula Deen bible to get the best meal possible on the table come Turkey Day.

I often wish I could go on the Turkey Hunt with my Dad and two brothers, but my Dad says I’d just get in the way. He’s right, too, since the first time I went I screamed for the turkeys to run away and we had to go to Denny’s because I didn’t know how to act like a man.

My brothers say that Dad is at his most loving during the Turkey Hunt, and I can understand how the thrill of the hunt would bring out a different side of him. Maybe one year, when I’m old enough, I can show him I’m responsible enough now and show off my hunting skills (BOW AND ARROW, FTW) and kill a bigger turkey than him and cook it myself and eat it in his face.

But then Mom would have to make the sides by herself… maybe I should hold off on the bow hunt solo turkey run until I have kids of my own.

(This post was written & scheduled for posting on Tuesday, November 22nd; any changes in the news or social lives of the participants have not been accounted for)

TSA Airport Pat-down

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 18:36:03 -0800

Just went through security at the airport and got the standard TSA pat-down. A lot of people are complaining that these are intrusive and unnecessary, but I support them 100%. As long as the brave men an women of the Transportation Security Administration are keeping our skies safe then they have the right to occasionally touch a boob or brush against a guy’s junk.

A Stern Message To All Potential Intruders:

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 12:46:06 -0800

Attention assholes,

I might be on vacation, but I had the foresight to hire a house sitter so don’t get any ideas about breaking into my house because if you do then you’ll be met by the swift fury and unharnessed rage of Gil (Naomi’s ex). Ya, I went down to BevMo and offered him $30 bucks to look after our house and water our plants, etc. So don’t get any ideas.

"Evergreen" Forrest - Posts For Vacation

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 09:26:06 -0800

The Ders Report is going dark… for a bit.

See, I’ve written a couple holiday-themed posts to cover the travel time and general Thanksgiving celebration duration, and post-dated them to post at appropriate times. I’ll probably be too busy enjoying myself to give you minute updates on the minutia of my TSA experiences.

Today’s all about getting packed, racked, and ready for my secret destination. Not going wherever it is Blake and Adam are going. Definitely going on my own, private trip, that is not my hometown either.

Witness testimonials to follow.

-Anders Torphin Holmvik, November 2011

Pack List (pay no attention)

Tue, 22 Nov 2011 17:22:24 -0800

Putting this on here since I don’t have a notepad handy and need to get my pack list together for my Thanksgiving trip (location TBD). Pay no attention, this is just for me and I hate to e-mail myself after that “Select All” self-affirmation mishap.

Thanks for respecting my privacy.

DERS PACK LIST - Thanksgiving Trip, 2011 (Confidential Location)

Travel Itinerary
Passport, ID, Wallet, Safety Satchel
Clothes

Shirts (2 days, 2 nights, 1 nice dinner, 1 “wild card”)
Pants (2 days, 2 nights, 1 emergency, 1 swimsuit)
Shoes (assorted)
Delicates (2 days, 2 emergency)

Toiletries

Toothbrush & Toothpaste (travel size)
Deodorant, Cologne, 2nd Date Cologne
Hair Materials
Safety Measures (Ribbed?)

Reading Material (Travel (public safe) & Beach (personal))
Work Material (2012 Goals List, 2011 Goals Accomplished Report)
Hedonism II Guide Book
Phone Charger

DON’T FORGET TO SHAVE “BEARD” AND BEARD.

A Change of Heart

Tue, 22 Nov 2011 12:31:06 -0800

I never thought I’d say/write this, but after a third viewing I’ve decided that I now LIKE the film Purple Rain. I guess I was just in a weird head space when I watched it those other times. This time I was able to see it for what it was, appreciate the craziness and just have a good time. Thanks, Prince (pictured below).

These are the idiots I work with.

Tue, 22 Nov 2011 10:49:43 -0800

These are the idiots I work with.

Photo

Mon, 21 Nov 2011 19:33:50 -0800

Not Gonna Half - Ass It At Work Over The Holidays

Mon, 21 Nov 2011 17:00:05 -0800

A lot of people (Waymond, Homegirl) don’t work very hard (or at all) during the holidays. They think that just because it’s relatively close to Christmas Alice will look the other way at/ignore their atrocious work ethic. Like I do every holiday season, I’m going to work extra hard. Not only so I can afford to buy good Christmas presents, but also to show Alice that Anders Holm doesn’t feel entitled to any special Christmas - related treatment.

Ders' Thoughts: Junk Mail

Mon, 21 Nov 2011 12:35:05 -0800

I hate junk mail. At least once a week I come home to a mailbox full of coupons for a bunch of stupid crap that I’ll never buy. Does anyone ever use these goddamn coupons? I guarantee most people take them and throw them in the trash (not the recycling). What these junk mail companies are doing is wasting paper, wasting my time and wasting the resources of our almost bankrupt US Postal Service.

Just to clarify - I do still enjoy browsing the J Crew, Brooks Brothers and West Elm catalogs that I get in the mail.

Hanging 'Em Up

Mon, 21 Nov 2011 10:40:06 -0800

I just don’t know anymore.

1-3 against the spread? Not even the WORLD CHAMP Green Bay Packers cover the spread against the hapless Bucs? Eli Manning is driving to tie the game against the hapless Eagles, and GIVES the ball away???

Don’t even get me started on Tebow beating the Jets. Adam’s started to worry that this Tebow thing is going to haunt him, and is waiting for Timbow to come have words. Denver—> Rancho Cucamonga’s an easy flight, and Timmy’s got a score to settle with DeMamp.

Point is, I’m no gambling (entertainment purposes only) expert. I’ve dipped into my safety zone for acceptable gambling losses after this week’s failure, and this is when I have to pull the plug, or risk becoming a degenerate like my cousin Todd. And I’m not about to live in a trailer community and marry a girl like Kris Farnell.

So you’re on your own from here on out… just remember what I’ve taught you. Always bet the defending World Champs (but watch out, they may screw you). What animal would win in a mascot fight? Does the opposing team need to bring a tank to win? And most of all… bet big, or go home.

And if you have a problem, seek help.

Last Week - 1-3
Against the Spread (Season) - 18-24-2
Straight Up (Season) - 25-19

Dazed And Confused

Fri, 18 Nov 2011 18:32:06 -0800

Gonna re - watch Dazed and Confused tonight. We were talking about it at work today and figuring out who each of us would be in the movie. Adam picked McConaughey, Blake picked the girl with red hair and I picked the black guy (Melvin). Adam and Blake told me that I was definitely Affleck (which is ridiculous). Either way, I’m really psyched to watch it and prove to them that I’m more like the black guy than Ben Affleck.

Ben Affleck (whom I’m nothing like):

Here’s what I don’t get— Marijuana is illegal...

Fri, 18 Nov 2011 14:02:05 -0800

Here’s what I don’t get—

Marijuana is illegal in the U.S. (mostly).

High Times magazine is a marijuana enthusiast magazine.

The authorities continue to allow High Times to publish their magazine; sans arrests or sanctions.

If I started “Murder Magazine”, the official magazine for murder enthusiasts, wouldn’t they be on me like Nancy Pelosi on a reform bill?

I dedicate this post to my father, who told me when he learned of THE DERS REPORT that I better be using it for the discussion of important issues, and not “wasting people’s time with a bunch of who-cares wanks”. Consider the conversation started, father, should you find the time to read this entry.

Something about a 'Vo

Fri, 18 Nov 2011 10:27:05 -0800

Earlier this week, I spoke of a racist incident involving myself and another individual while I had the ‘Vo conservatively stopped at an intersection.

(UPDATE: For completists, the guy was white, but I didn’t think that merited discussion; as for his ethnic background, he was very clearly Irish, and Adam’s “Wide Bitch” theory gains more steam every time I think about it)

Well, just now the oppo happened. A very lovely lady pulled up aside us at traffic light, looked us over, and blew us a kiss.

Hot debate broke out over who she was blowing, but c’mon. Unless there’s an infant in the back seat (Blake hardly qualifies), it’s universally understood that any blown kisses at an automobile are directed at the driver.

First Cathy, now this rando stranger? Gonna carry TWO condoms with me to the bars tonight.

Ders' Picks - Week 11 (swag)

Thu, 17 Nov 2011 16:47:05 -0800

I’m back. 3-1 in Week 10? Get at me.

Going to keep the free-flowing, fast-talking style that brought my swag back, no big intro, no big proclamation. Just winning NFL football picks from the name you can trust.

(HOME TEAM IN CAPS/My swag picks in bold)

Start tonight, why not? After taking Tebow last week just to piss off Adam, I’m going AGAINST Tebow this week just to show Adam my power. Meaning? New York Jets over the DENVER TEBOWS (+4.5). Better call your bookie soon, this game kicks off in a matter of minutes. Tell ‘em swag sent you.

It’s called NY, NY for a reason, since I’m also on the NEW YORK GIANTS (-3.5) to crush the always sunny Philadelphia Eagles. Abandon swag, all who enter Philly, fans.

The CHICAGO BEARS (-3.5) Super Bowl shuffle their swag over the Sad Diego Chargers (not a typo).

And finally, the WORLD CHAMPION GREEN BAY PACKERS (-14.5) over the Tampa Bay Bucaneers, because the champs are undefeated, swag-heavy, and this week? Most likely? So will I be. Read the sentence again, it makes sense in context.

Last Week - 3-1
Against the Spread (Season) - 17-21-2
Straight Up (Season) - 23-17