The Ders Report
Ders’ Thoughts: Junk Mail

I hate junk mail. At least once a week I come home to a mailbox full of coupons for a bunch of stupid crap that I’ll never buy. Does anyone ever use these goddamn coupons? I guarantee most people take them and throw them in the trash (not the recycling). What these junk mail companies are doing is wasting paper, wasting my time and wasting the resources of our almost bankrupt US Postal Service. 

Just to clarify - I do still enjoy browsing the J Crew, Brooks Brothers and West Elm catalogs that I get in the mail.

Ders’ Thoughts - F’d Out Halloween Costumes

What’s everyone going as for Halloween this year?

Oh, were you going as Lady Gaga?  FUCK YOU.

Wait, you’re a guy going as Lady Gaga?  EAT SHIT.

That guy from Parks & Recreation, with the ‘stache?  Jon Swanson, I think?  YOU’RE SO ORIGINAL.

Clark Kent with Superman’s Cape poking out?  Black Eyed P?  Pirate/Vampire?  IF YOU THINK YOU’RE TOO CLEVER FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, YOU. ARE. NOT.

Zombie (Noun)? (Sexy Verb) Vocation?  Slutty Anything?  DIE SLOW.  YESTERDAY.

Osama Been Gotten?  KILL YOURSELF.

Halloween used to be a great stage for creative people to test the boundaries of their imagination.  Now, it’s a theme party mixer for the lowest common denominator.  I’ll say what everyone’s thinking, for all your jello shots and fake cobwebs, your giant beer bottle costume can’t hide the fact that your next original thought will be your FIRST.

I know some of you are saying, "Oh, Ders, it’s easy to cast stones when you’re not telling us what you’re going as this year."  You have a point, and while I detest pre-announcing my costume choice, I’ll do it here as an example of a costume that sets itself above the masses in 2011:

I’m going as Ryan Gosling from Drive.  Just need to find a scorpion jacket, got a good lead on one at the thrift store I’m checking out Saturday morning.  Already have the toothpick. 

Why R.G. from D?  Simple; I have a sense of originality and beat to my own drum.  I wish some of you Halloween sheep could join in… but you’re too busy being the reason Europe hates us.

Happy Halloween, losers.

Ders’ Thoughts: People Who Are Anti - Vaccine

It’s been brought to my attention (by the show Frontline) that there are people out there who are anti - vaccine and who believe that vaccines cause autism and other disorders. This is total propaganda and scientists have never found a link between vaccines and autism or anything else. 

Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy (pictured above) need to use their celebrity for the good of the public and NOT for spreading propaganda.

Ders’ Thoughts - Football Sideline Collisions

Football is a full contact sport. I get it. What I don’t get is when football players run into people on the sidelines and knock them over (refs, photographers, cheerleaders, etc.) why don’t they ever help them up or at least check to see if they are OK? 

Is there some rule that you aren’t allowed to stop and be a decent human being and make sure that the (often much smaller) person you just bulldozed doesn’t have any broken bones or a concussion?

I’m not saying that the players have to make any kind of grand, elaborate apology when this happens, but at least acknowledge that you injured someone and help them up. Is that so hard? 

Ders’ Thoughts - Without Andy Rooney

A lot of people, like my parents, are talking about Andy Rooney leaving 60 Minutes.  Andy had a heartfelt goodbye this Sunday and we got a glimpse into the life and mind of America’s Great Uncle, who we don’t like talking to at family functions.

Some people call Great Uncle Andy a curmudgeon, a cranky 92 year old dinosaur who rambles on about whatever he sees in front of him on his desk.  I disagree.  As he said in his farewell ‘sign off’ this Sunday, he considers himself a writer.  He doesn’t like a lot of attention for his work, hates giving autographs, and generally doesn’t want any attention for being the cornerstone of the nation’s #1 news magazine program.  

Well Great Uncle Andy, WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?  Did you cash those TV checks?  Did ya?  Then, as someone who pays for the electricity to power my TV, you work FOR me.  If I want to approach you while you’re struggling to finish a cup of soup, and thank you for saying what I always thought about the balls of cotton in pill bottles, you put down your fucking spoon and thank me for my kind words.  You owe me that much.

If you can’t hear me, or are easily confused, have those grandkids you showed pics and bragged about last Sunday put you in a home where you won’t be unleashed on your “fans”.  For someone who’s been working as long as you have, I bet you’ve got the money.  Just because you don’t know where, or who, you are, doesn’t give you free license to act like a dick.  Like my Dad told me when I didn’t file my own taxes when I turned 18, ignorance is never an excuse.  

Great Uncle Andy, you’ve said what the nation’s already been thinking longer than I can remember, and you deserve your victory lap.  But don’t give me the finger while you do it.  You should never be the byline of your own eulogy, pal.  So until you’re dead and buried, act like a fucking professional.  We deserve that much after all the time we’ve spent together.

This is Anders Holmvik.  Signing off. 

Ders’ Thoughts - Hot Girls Who Pretend to be “Nerds”

I’ve had just about enough of all these insanely hot women co - opting “nerd” culture and pretending that in spite of being totally beautiful and famous for their looks that they are actually just “total dorks.” I’m not buying it.

What they’re really doing is making dorky guys, who are actually giant nerds in real life, think that they have a chance with these women and that maybe if they struck up a conversation about Star Wars or Watchmen (graphic novel or film) that they’d totally win them over by knowing every detail. 

What you ladies are doing is sadistic and cruel and you need to knock off the goddamn charade.

Simply adorkable? Yeah right. 

Repeat offender: Adrianne Curry (so not a dork in real life).

Olivia Munn - Pretends to like nerd stuff just to get attention. It’s sad.

Ders’ Thoughts - CASH is King?


-Randy Moss, 2008

For all my life, CASH was the only money worth a damn.  You craved it, you needed it, you carried it around in your wallet like paper gold.  Having a wad of cash made you feel like a big man, and spending it was the confirmation of that idea.

Now, cash is nothing more than disease-spreading filth peddled by fools and old people. At least, that’s what many small (and surprisingly, some large) businesses would have you believe.  Tried paying with exact change recently?  The clerk gives you looks like you’re trying to steal.  The exact opposite, Miss Thing, I’m trying to PAY!

So when you say “Next time, just use your debit card…”?  You might as well be saying “We don’t appreciate your business, PAYING CUSTOMER!”  

You know how I’ll be paying next time; IN CASH.